Zen and The Art of Basic Self Defense: An EDiot's guide.

Discussion in 'Your Shitty Projects' started by Stormtrooper, Sep 16, 2012.

  1. Stormtrooper

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    'sup EDiots;

    Stormy here, and I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of my fellow EDiots on here have probably never (and hopefully, never) been in a situation that required the use of force to be employed in a self defense situation. So that being said, I wrote up a quick, basic guide on how to prevent yourself from getting your ass brutally beaten, (probably, maybe).

    First, remember that prevention is the best self-defense. Attackers, whatever their objectives, are looking for unsuspecting, vulnerable targets. So be sure to follow general safety tips like being aware of your surroundings, only walking and parking in well-lit areas, keeping your keys in hand as you approach your door or car, varying your route and times of travel is also important. Don't be predictable, my niggas.

    Apart from avoiding confrontation, if you can defuse a situation (talk someone down from physically assaulting you) or get away—by handing over your wallet/purse or whatever they want, do that. Hand over your money rather than fight. Nothing you own is worth more than your life or health. If violence is unavoidable, (read: a pack of wild niggers) however, to really defend yourself, you'll want to know ahead of time how to fight back effectively—it's possible even against someone bigger or stronger than you. In the following paragraphs, we will explore some basic self-defense techniques that can keep you safe:
     
  2. TheBrickBalls

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    [​IMG]
     
  3. scumhook

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    I realise you haven't finished, but your last sentence adjoining your sig...

    I'm not sure of the effectiveness of nuding up and gyrating re self defense, but I am willing to open my pants mind to learn moar.
     
  4. Stormtrooper

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    Get Loud and Push Back:

    As soon as the attacker touches you or it's clear that escape isn't possible, shout loudly ("BACK OFF!") and push back at him/her/xis/xir/it whatever. (for simplicity's sake we're going to use "him" for the rest of the article, although your opponent could be female/tranny/gender-queer). This does two things: it signals for help and it lets the attacker know you're not an easy target. It may not dissuade all attackers, but getting loud will warn off those that were looking for easy prey (read: YOU).

    The Most Effective Body Parts to Hit:

    When you're in a confrontation, you only have a few seconds and a few moves to try (→, ↓, → + HP works well for me) before the fight may be decided. Before an attacker has gained full control of you, you must do everything you can—conserving as much energy as possible—to inflict injury so you can get away. (This is no time to be civil. In a physical confrontation that calls for self-defense, it's hurt or be hurt.) So aim for the parts of the body where you can do the most damage easily: the eyes, nose, ears, neck, groin, knee, and legs.

    Depending on the position of the attacker and how close he is will determine where you will strike and with what part of your body you will employ. Do not step in closer, say, to strike his nose with your hand, when you can reach his knee with a kick. When striking a target on the upper half of the body you will use your hand. Effective strikes can be made with the outer edge of your hand in a knife hand position, a palm strike or knuckle blow for softer targets or a tightly curled fist. In the next paragraph, I'll get more in-depth about HOW to strike the more vital parts of your enemy.
     
  5. Stormtrooper

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    Eyes: Gouging, poking, or scratching the attacker's eyes with your fingers or knuckles would be effective, as you can imagine. Besides causing a lot of pain, this should also make your escape easier by at least temporarily interfering with his vision. Blind a nigga, and the fight's pretty much over, ya dig?

    Nose: If the attacker is close in front of you, use the heel of your palm to strike up under his nose; throw the whole weight of your body into the move to cause the most pain and force him to loosen his grip on you. If he's behind you, you can strike his nose (from the side or front) with your elbow. Either way, aim for the nasal bones...it'll REALLY ruin his/her/it's day.

    Neck: The side of the neck is a bigger target, where both the carotid artery and jugular vein are located. You could possibly temporarily stun your attacker with a knife hand strike (all fingers held straight and tightly together, with thumb tucked and slightly bent at the knuckle) at the side of the neck. If at all possible, a solid jab to the trachea is a quick fight-ender.

    Knee: The knee is an ideal self-defense target, vulnerable from every angle and easily kicked without risk of your foot being grabbed. Kick the side of the knee to cause injury or partially incapacitate your attacker. Kicking the front of the knee may cause more injury but is less likely to result in imbalance, so decide what is more important: unbalancing or FINISHING your opponent. In the next paragraph, we'll go a little into maximizing damage.

    [​IMG]

    Listen to Spidey, EDiots.
     
  6. TheBrickBalls

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    Yes, fight dirty. If you can fish hook him, do it. It's a krav maga move.

    [​IMG]

    Just looking at that image and the pain and permanent damage it'll cause makes me cringe.
     
  7. Stormtrooper

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    How to Maximize Damage:
    Use your elbows, knees, and head. Those are the parts of the body that are most sensitive when hit. Now here are the parts of the body used most effectively for inflicting damage: your elbows, knees, and head (they're your body's bony built-in weapons). Unlike Wolverine, who's like Adamantium and shit with those fucking claws of his.

    Use everyday objects. Everyday objects you carry around with you or things in your environment can also be used to your advantage as weapons. Hold a key or pen between your middle and ring finger while you're walking home in the dark for more assurance. Outdoors, you can toss some dirt or sand into your attacker's eyes. Women are often told to spray perfume or hairspray into an assailant's eyes. The point is, use what ever you can to make your defense stronger (for more inspiration, watch some Jason Bourne movies: improvised weapons are hella dangerous).



    Leverage your weight. No matter your size, weight, or strength in relation to your opponent, you can defend yourself by strategically using your body and the simple law of physics. This is the principle behind martial arts systems like Jujitsu and other self-defense programs where a smaller person is able to defeat a larger one. Striking is not about punching or kicking, it's about throwing your body weight strategically at someone.

    You don't want to be standing there trading punches or kicks with an attacker; in a violent situation, it's critical to injure him using efficient, targeted moves. Basically, target those pressure points mentioned above, but leverage your weight to cause the most damage. In the next paragraph we'll go over some common escape moves. These will come in handy for avoiding mall security after you stole those games from GameStop, or those totally awesome pleather pants from Hot Topic.
     
  8. TheDukeOfCrowns

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    Skills don't really mean anything if you don't have any heart during a fight
     
  9. Massgrav

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    You forgot something, Stormy!

    Call your mother.
    Always have your mother on speed dial. Remember that your mother can always save you. Your mother gave birth to you and thus she must protect you. If you don't have a mother see below.

    Pray.
    This will always work no matter if you are beaten by 25 polish football hooligans or have cancer.
    God made you and thus he must protect you. This is the law!
     
  10. Stormtrooper

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    Moves for Getting Out of or Defending Against Common Holds or Attacks:

    Wrist Hold: Gracie Jiu-Jitsu is another school of self-defense, one that offers modified Jujitsu techniques that normal (or even weak) people can carry out. Instead of pulling back to try to get out of the hold, squat down into a strong stance, then lean forward and bend your elbow towards him all the way towards his forearm until he can no longer hold onto your wrist.

    Bear Hug: Drop your weight and try to hit his head with your elbows or stomp his feet with your feet. If that doesn't work, pull his fingers back to force him to release you, rotate out of his hold, and attack him with your knees/kicks. (Pulling fingers is also an effective move in a choke hold in some cases.)

    Mount Position: If the attacker has you pinned on the floor, you can pivot to be on top with this Gracie Jiu-Jitsu technique: Hook onto his wrist with one hand and use your other hand to grab behind his elbow, trapping his arm to your chest. Then use your foot to trap his foot and leg, lift your hips and turn over onto your knees to get on top. Then when you have the mount: RAPE beat the ever-loving shit out of him with your fists of fury.

    In summary, this is just a quick, very basic guide to self-defense, and is in no way meant to substitute actual, real world training. A key to this being applied effectively, bros, is practice, practice and then practice some more.

    Hope this guide helps, niggas.

    Stormy.
     
  11. scumhook

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    I wish to explore more about this position...

    Please instruct me, good lady.
     
  12. TheBrickBalls

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    I would never use the mount as a means to keep the upper hand in the fight. Rather, it would be more of a victory celebration for manhandling my would-be robber and possible killer. I would flop his broken body(courtesy of yours truly) on his stomach in doggy-style position, tear his pants down, and thrust my dick up his ass. The humiliation of being a straight man who was defenseless against getting his ass fucked and a lake blown up his ass as a sort of "planting of the territorial flag" will ensure that he never again tries to rob another man, especially this man, which is me. He will be my eternal bitch nigger, and he will tell all his friends to stay the fuck away from me, lest I do the exact same to them.

    Essentially, scumhook, mounting would be used in precisely this manner.

     
  13. Baya Rae 4900

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  14. umkemesik

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  15. Solution

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    What a fun and thorough thread!
    Just 2¢

    A proven way to de-escalate is to cause confusion by using conflicting body language and auditory cues, i.e:
    If the aggressor (AG) is your size or smaller: clinch your fist, tense your shoulders, orientate your body facing the AG and in a calm smooth voice, avoiding eye contact, use
    de-escalating statements, "We don't have a problem", "We should walk away", avoid using "I" or "You".

    or for larger AG,

    Raise the palms of your hands till your fingers are just below eye level, elbows in and bent to half extension (Classic "I don't want none" sets up for Webbing to Clinch). Turn your body 15°-20° from the AG in the direction of your dominant hand relax your shoulders. In a loud threatening tone, making direct eye contact, spit out your nastiest "I will kill your family", "I'm gonna eat your face" ect.

    This will send most half assed attackers packing, but not all.
     
  16. Baya Rae 4900

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    Better yet, get the Terrifying Presence perk then run away when you use it.
     
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  17. Solution

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    Everyone is boring

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    You can just spit used condoms in their eyes, then lean over and fat them to death.

    You killing machine,
    Baya-800.
     
  18. scumhook

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    Suddenly getting beaten up doesn't sound so bad...
     
  19. Baya Rae 4900

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    Because bigger and more disgusting than your opponent is a sure way to victory.
     
  20. Solution

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    Everyone is boring

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  21. madh8r

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    This is the worst self defense thread in history. Just punch him in the sarcophagus
     
  22. scumhook

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    AKA the "King Tut" self defense move.
     
  23. faggotmaximum

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  24. Eddy Steel

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    What's wrong with that? I always carry priceless egyptian artefacts with me.
     
  25. Harpoons

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    It's a shame nobody here is ever going to leave the basement, let alone have the slightest chance of ever putting any of this bullshit into practice.
     
  26. MrGask

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    This thread is stupid. No one is going to become a better fighter by reading about it. If you want to learn how to fight, go get in some fights. If you want to learn how to defend, you are shit out of luck, because that is how one loses fights.
     
  27. Porn

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    I guess I could contribute some information to this thread.

    1. Carry a knife. If you get attacked by someone carrying a knife, you'll at least stand a chance.
    Most unarmed attackers will just flee, unless they are completely retarded.

    2. Aim for the eyes. Even if you don't hit, it'll cause your opponent to close his eyes, giving you time to attack him. Should you hit it'll temporarily blind your opponent. Throwing sand/dirt in someones face is nice too.

    3. Attack knees and balls. How to attack balls is pretty obvious, attack a knee by kicking it, then scraping down along the shin with your instep. If you are somewhat heavy, you might step onto your attackers toes afterwards.

    4. Learn handgun disarms, in case of niggers.

    5. If the above doesn't work, run like fuck.

    I have to go now, but I'll write moar later.

    Since I'm a 6'2 foot tall, athletic built and most likely armed psychopath most people won't mess with me anyway.
     
  28. MrGask

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    This. Although I don't believe you.
     
  29. Porn

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    I AM 6'2 tall, and do most likely carry a pocket knife.
    By "athletic" I meant that I'm neither fat nor skinny like most people on EDF.
    And a lot of people do call me a psychopath in fact.
     
  30. Baya Rae 4900

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    That's not athletic. Athletic is when you've conditioned your body.