WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF LUMBER YARD FIGHTING!

Discussion in 'Locker Room Talk' started by Flu, Feb 6, 2013.

  1. Flu

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    (please note that this is an incomplete thread, as I have to step out to meet the dealer for another Q. I'll be heavily editing, adding , and subtracting content - pictures, info, you name it -when I get back home, probably in another hour.)

    I. HISTORY

    Lumber Yard fights originated in Western Canada some 200 years ago.
    Back then, there was no established law in the proto-provience. Men were expected to settle their own disputes... like men.
    Being that every man was either a slave wrangler, cattle fucker, or lumberjack, duels using raw wood just made sense. The original fighting sticks were just felled tree branches. It was only slowly, over time, with the advent of the two-man saw that Lumber fighting really became lumber fighting.

    Lumber: everywhere and lethal.

    As sticks turned into planks, the fights became more aerodynamic and brutal. As the tools of the trade advanced, so too did the 'fighting. The hard, perfectly milled corners and impeccable balance of the new 2x4's was favoured over the archaic branch. Suddenly, real men found themselves reinventing the art of honourable war.

    As the number of fights increased, lumber fighting became a more accepted method of settling scores, eventually being absorbed into the fabric of Canadian culture. Between lunch breaks, working lumberjacks would form crude spectator circles and practice their craft, fighting each other for fun while improving their game.

    From the first pits in the lumber camps, Canada's national sport was officially born!

    Though some 200 years from then, the 2x4 would slowly morph into the hockey stick, Lumber Fighting has retained its place in the North as Canada's game.

    I. cont'd

    When the railway to Western Canada was first being built, "Native England," as Canada was originally called, grudgingly brought in cheap and expendable Chinese labour.
    The Chinese, not welcome in Canada, just as they were not welcome anywhere else where dogs were kept as pets, pissed off many people due to their natural chinkiness. Because of their aggravating speech patterns and long, pussy rat-tail hairstyles, many "yellow men" were dragged unwillingly into the lumber yards to compete for jobs versus the first generation Canadians. But unlike those honourable fights between two whites, the fights against the chinks were always to the death.


    II. CULTURE

    Honouring its history, the official team jersey colours are different shades of plaid.
    Red plaid is the most easily recognizable, and by-far the most popular. Due to its demand, only the current champion team is allowed to sport the tartan as its official team colours.

    * The wearing of yellow is shunned. No team ever wears yellow plaid, and it is strongly advised that no fan wear the "chink colour," unless they want to be pushed into the circle during a fight and beaten.
    Yellow, dating all the way back to the first fights against the Chinese, is seen as a cowardly, Chinese colour.
    The team that finished dead-last at the end of the tournament year is often presented with a yellow gag jersey, and pelted by fans with rice.

    Often, out of country teams - such as those from America, England, and Australia, are pelted with handfuls of rice by local fans.
    Fans will not even eat rice before a game. Potato is an acceptable side during fan cookouts.

    The current, 6-time champions, are the British Columbian 'Jacks.' They are the only team in Canada that has never lost a player to accidental bludgeoning death, and are currently the official spokes-team for 'Aunty Shenequa's Old Fashioned Maple syrup,' as well as the official good-will ambassadors to BC, and official fuck-off ambassadors to the Middle East and Asia major.

    Team captain of the Jacks, Tommy Longyard, son of the venerable William "Rail Track" Longyard, has been named Sports magazine's 'Sexiest Bear' of 2012. While Dick Greggory, former '69 Jack's power hitter, has recently been admitted into the Canadian Lumber Fights hall of fame: he will have his name and number knifed into a tree in Vancouver later this year.

    Like any popular sport, merch is a big income generator. In much the same vein as American football's giant novelty foam hands, lumber fighting fans often buy and wear over-sized foam beards and unibrows.

    (Outside the fight pit are always parked a ring of spectator's trucks.) It is tradition before a big match for fans to rev their diesel engines, causing a thick, oily smoke screen that the teams run through. This practise started 18 years ago when Barry James had his team rev their diesel engines before his knock-out round with long-time rival, Rick "Coon Lover" Stampson, in an attempt to psyche his opponent out. It adds an element of dramatic flare the event and has been absorbed as tradition, ever since.

    II. cont'd.. Drugs

    Are encouraged, but not mandatory. However, four times a year there is a mandatory drug testing of all players. These drug tests are meant to determine how much of, and what sort of performance enhancing drugs players are taking.
    If a player is found with high, or very-high levels of a performance enhancing drug in his system, but he is playing below average, a new, better, more effective drug may be recommended.

    Most players who dope favour combat-type narcotics. These include, but are not limited to:

    - Cocaine
    - Steroids
    - Heroin
    - PCP
    - Devil's trumpet (though a deliriant, its effects can cause a player to go war crazy. Though caution must be taken by the referee to reel in the competitor's killer rage after he has chinked an opponent, or has turned on a fan.)
    - Common alcohol; large volumes; every kind.

    III. SPORT

    Typically, a match will feature two men, one-on-one, squaring off against each other.
    Fights take place after-hours in the storage facilities of a lumber yard, or trades shop. Unlike more mainstream sports, there is no true rink or field. Nor are their seats of bleachers. Instead, fans of the fights stand shoulder to shoulder with members of both teams, forming a human circle. This ensures that no man may flee the fight, until it is done. Contestants who stray too close to the edge of the human enclosure face getting pummels or knifed by fans and opposing teammates.

    Like hockey, a "Zamboni" clears the pit between innings. However, the "Zamboni" of the Lumber Fights is not a giant machine, but a man with a snow-shovel, who clears the sawdust or dirt-lined pit floor of broken teeth and clotted blood.

    Contestants are provided with lumber at the scene of the fight. Others choose to bring their own lumber with them. Either way, league standards are lengths of 2x4, and may not be any longer- but may be cut shorter, if the player is more comfortable with a reduced plank.

    Such shortened planks are called "bonkers," named after an angler's fish bonker.

    Both men, or groups of men during a gang brawl, seek to KO their opponent. Though deaths are no longer allowed, since the old days, each man is expected to show his opponent no mercy during the fight, and a KO MUST be performed if the player wishes to score a point.

    KO's are called "Chinks," after the tendency for the original Lumber Fighter's enemy, the job-thieving chinaman of old. To be rendered unconscious is to be "chinked out," or to "go slanty eyed."

    Whichever team knocks the most "chinks" out by the end of the 6th inning, wins.


    IV. MISC

    The official song of Lumber Fighting is, first, the Canadian national anthem, sans any reference to the Queen, as LF was founded by men not loyal to the crown.
    Following Canada's national anthem, "the Beating of Faces (Brotherhood)" is played. It is by-far the most popular song between the two, and is often sung by real Canadian patriots in place of the national anthem.

     
  2. Flu

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    ok, so i've done SOME editing / adding to sections I & II. i'm calling it quits for now as I'm fucking balls-high and texting my 17 yo maybe GF. also, ive got a hankering for bioshock.

    IF ANY OF YOU AMERICANS or worse, Australians / Israelis have questions pertaining to the noble Canadian sport of Lumber Fighting, please feel free to ask if it is not covered in the document above. I hope to address all angles, so that the sport may garner enough wide-spread interest, globally, to be accepted beyond Canada and the Common Wealth countries.
     
  3. $$Trooper

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    What is the mortality rate for this mystical sport?
     
  4. Flu

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    Well, as I said above, current conditions require that a man is knock unconscious - gets "chinked," for his opponent to score a point, or get "a chink." Unlike the old school rules, which saw some men fight to death (100% mortality rate versus the chinese), modern day matches see very few deaths.
    However, due to the violent nature of the sport, there have been several deaths over the past years. Commonly, a man may die from internal bleeding / brain swell. Heart attacks are another leading cause of death, what-with the majority of the players being hard working men, and pill popping truckers. Where there are steroids and uppers being consumed -- which is not required under league laws, but is encouraged (i meant to add 'Drugs' to the document above), it is sadly common for hearts to explode. Some men have fallen into saws, as fights are more-often-than-not staged in lumberyards, after hours.

    Then there are the fan deaths. Because there arena is little-more than a circle of fans and players surrounding the competitors, it is quite common for a fan to take a wayward blow from one of the frantically swinging 2x4's.
    The last time this happened, we lost a young child by the name of Bobby Benson, age 4. He was struck on the head, just where his infantile soft spot had only recently hardened; but not quite enough.
    And another fan, and unidentified American man, after his team, the Oregon Packrats, won the semi-finals, was sodomized to death with an over-sized, non-regulation "super plank." It was quite bloody. In response to his ass-ramming death, the league requires all American visitors to stand behind the Canadian fans. And are encouraged to wear a sports cup, backwards.


    thanks for asking! feel free to shoot more questions as they arise. and WE LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU OUT AT THE NEXT SHOW!
     
  5. $$Trooper

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    What are some of the greatest champions of this sadly little known sport?
     
  6. Flu

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    Well, even though it's Canada's main sport, we have a lot of pressure from the Obama office to stop with the fights, so a lot of our competitors use fake names. Tracking their successes is hard. when one dies, he's put in an unmarked, pauper's grave with all the other fighters gone before him.

    For me, the greatest lumber fighter has got to be current champion Tommy Longyard's father, and one of the best original competitors, William "Rail Track" Longyard.
    Rail Track was born in 1891 fought in the junior leagues up until the break of WW1. When he enlisted in 1914, he was 23. When he wasn't killing Germans, he was introducing the sport of lumber fighting to the allies. Due to a lumber shortage, fighters were forced to used exploded chunks of rail track - hence, his name.

    Bill Longyard took more cracks to the skull from solid rail tie than anybody could count, yet he never lost a match! He was unstoppable, and all the men under his command, later in the war, respected him greatly.

    During the siege of Hill 442, "Wild" Bill Longyard stormed a German machine-gun nest, killing all krauts along the way. The Canadians had a handful of German survivors, including their high-ranking commander, who had flown in from the Empire to survey his troops in action, surrounded. But rather than summarily execute the leader and his men, Bill ordered that all the regular troopers instead be shot in the knee-cap so they couldn't flee. After they had been knee-capped, Rail Track threw the German commander a piece of his namesake and challenged him to martial combat: if the kraut commander could best Mr. Longyard in honourable combat, he would be free to leave with his troops. Lose, and he would die there in the ring (made of the wounded German infantrymen.)

    Needless to say, Longyard came out on top. The final, fatal blow he struck the commander with was so powerful it caused the iron spike on his helmet to actually burst through the hat, into the kraut's skull, and out through his jaw!!
    And so, that's how "Wild" William "Rail Track" Longyard and his fearless Canadians took Hill 442.

    When Bill returned to his home, he continued to fight in the lumber pits well into his 90's, always insisting that his opponent use a rail tie, while Bill used wood.

    After his death an autopsy was scheduled to be performed, but the coroner kept breaking his knives on Longyard's iron hide. Mr. Longyard never fought for riches. He loved lumber fighting and always fought for honour and glory. And that is why, among so many heroes, he is mine!
     
  7. $$Trooper

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    Truly William Longyard is a man among men.
    Have you personally seen one of these Lumber yard fighting matches?

    To my ignorant minds eye what you have described sounds more religious than a mere sport, a circle of men watching a violent pagan bloodletting, a offering to some eldrich god of combat.
    your view?
     
  8. Flu

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    I've got to go to bed soon. I have a long day tomorrow training new fighters. But I'll field this last one before I slip off to sleep, as you're a good sort:

    I have been attending lumber fights ever since I was just a baby. My father would take me every weekend, and my mother would often cheat on my father with all manner of fighters, from every team; sometimes multiple times a night. So, I was exposed to my heroes from very early on.

    The first fight that I ever participated in was a long time ago, when I was just 12. My father, finally sick of my whoring mother's infidelity, had challenged a number of men to a group fight - only my father had no backup. It was just him versus... so many men (damn you, mom.)
    As my dad chinked out man after man, one of the men regained consciousness and tried to land a dirty blow to my father's head. You see, when a man has gone slanty, he is dragged from the pit to the corners of the human circle. From there, that asshole was concealed by the mob. Nobody saw him stand back up. I only saw him as he ran at my dad from behind.
    My dad had busted his 2x4 in half over another man's skull, so he was wielding both halves in each hand. I motioned for him to throw me a piece. At first he was hesitant. After all, I was his only son. (He had two other sons, but both were gay, so they didn't count.) I took the wood and jumped at my dad's attacker. That was the first fight I ever won. I double-chinked the guy, knocking him out so hard that he lost consciousness TWICE, at the same time.

    After that fight, my dad -- just like how William Longyard trained his son, Tommy -- trained me. And I've been fighting and losing teeth ever since!

    No doubt Lumber Fighting is Canada's #1 sport -- it basically IS religion!
    Besides the devotion fans feel for their team, and the sacred, historical place lumber fighting has in Canada's relatively young history- we find that wherever the blood spills, the crops grow better the next year.

    For that reason, there is a special Spring Planting rumble and a Fall Harvest rumble in the rural provinces, where our crops are grown. Unlike the normal refereed fights, there is no guy in those rings to holler,

    "FUCKIN STOP IT NOW! FUCKIN KNOCK IT OFF, EH!!??"

    We don't like to admit it, because it's against the rules, but lots of men don't just get chinked out and go slanty at those rumbles -- they fuckin' die. That's why the matches keep going on and on: to encourage more and more blood to be spilled, so the crops will grower bigger and fuller the following year.
     
  9. Harpoons

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    I always thought this was the canadian national anthem?

     
  10. uberfukken

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    Is this just a creative way of explaining hockey?