(please note that this is an incomplete thread, as I have to step out to meet the dealer for another Q. I'll be heavily editing, adding , and subtracting content - pictures, info, you name it -when I get back home, probably in another hour.) I. HISTORY Lumber Yard fights originated in Western Canada some 200 years ago. Back then, there was no established law in the proto-provience. Men were expected to settle their own disputes... like men. Being that every man was either a slave wrangler, cattle fucker, or lumberjack, duels using raw wood just made sense. The original fighting sticks were just felled tree branches. It was only slowly, over time, with the advent of the two-man saw that Lumber fighting really became lumber fighting. Lumber: everywhere and lethal. As sticks turned into planks, the fights became more aerodynamic and brutal. As the tools of the trade advanced, so too did the 'fighting. The hard, perfectly milled corners and impeccable balance of the new 2x4's was favoured over the archaic branch. Suddenly, real men found themselves reinventing the art of honourable war. As the number of fights increased, lumber fighting became a more accepted method of settling scores, eventually being absorbed into the fabric of Canadian culture. Between lunch breaks, working lumberjacks would form crude spectator circles and practice their craft, fighting each other for fun while improving their game. From the first pits in the lumber camps, Canada's national sport was officially born! Though some 200 years from then, the 2x4 would slowly morph into the hockey stick, Lumber Fighting has retained its place in the North as Canada's game. I. cont'd When the railway to Western Canada was first being built, "Native England," as Canada was originally called, grudgingly brought in cheap and expendable Chinese labour. The Chinese, not welcome in Canada, just as they were not welcome anywhere else where dogs were kept as pets, pissed off many people due to their natural chinkiness. Because of their aggravating speech patterns and long, pussy rat-tail hairstyles, many "yellow men" were dragged unwillingly into the lumber yards to compete for jobs versus the first generation Canadians. But unlike those honourable fights between two whites, the fights against the chinks were always to the death. II. CULTURE Honouring its history, the official team jersey colours are different shades of plaid. Red plaid is the most easily recognizable, and by-far the most popular. Due to its demand, only the current champion team is allowed to sport the tartan as its official team colours. * The wearing of yellow is shunned. No team ever wears yellow plaid, and it is strongly advised that no fan wear the "chink colour," unless they want to be pushed into the circle during a fight and beaten. Yellow, dating all the way back to the first fights against the Chinese, is seen as a cowardly, Chinese colour. The team that finished dead-last at the end of the tournament year is often presented with a yellow gag jersey, and pelted by fans with rice. Often, out of country teams - such as those from America, England, and Australia, are pelted with handfuls of rice by local fans. Fans will not even eat rice before a game. Potato is an acceptable side during fan cookouts. The current, 6-time champions, are the British Columbian 'Jacks.' They are the only team in Canada that has never lost a player to accidental bludgeoning death, and are currently the official spokes-team for 'Aunty Shenequa's Old Fashioned Maple syrup,' as well as the official good-will ambassadors to BC, and official fuck-off ambassadors to the Middle East and Asia major. Team captain of the Jacks, Tommy Longyard, son of the venerable William "Rail Track" Longyard, has been named Sports magazine's 'Sexiest Bear' of 2012. While Dick Greggory, former '69 Jack's power hitter, has recently been admitted into the Canadian Lumber Fights hall of fame: he will have his name and number knifed into a tree in Vancouver later this year. Like any popular sport, merch is a big income generator. In much the same vein as American football's giant novelty foam hands, lumber fighting fans often buy and wear over-sized foam beards and unibrows. (Outside the fight pit are always parked a ring of spectator's trucks.) It is tradition before a big match for fans to rev their diesel engines, causing a thick, oily smoke screen that the teams run through. This practise started 18 years ago when Barry James had his team rev their diesel engines before his knock-out round with long-time rival, Rick "Coon Lover" Stampson, in an attempt to psyche his opponent out. It adds an element of dramatic flare the event and has been absorbed as tradition, ever since. II. cont'd.. Drugs Are encouraged, but not mandatory. However, four times a year there is a mandatory drug testing of all players. These drug tests are meant to determine how much of, and what sort of performance enhancing drugs players are taking. If a player is found with high, or very-high levels of a performance enhancing drug in his system, but he is playing below average, a new, better, more effective drug may be recommended. Most players who dope favour combat-type narcotics. These include, but are not limited to: - Cocaine - Steroids - Heroin - PCP - Devil's trumpet (though a deliriant, its effects can cause a player to go war crazy. Though caution must be taken by the referee to reel in the competitor's killer rage after he has chinked an opponent, or has turned on a fan.) - Common alcohol; large volumes; every kind. III. SPORT Typically, a match will feature two men, one-on-one, squaring off against each other. Fights take place after-hours in the storage facilities of a lumber yard, or trades shop. Unlike more mainstream sports, there is no true rink or field. Nor are their seats of bleachers. Instead, fans of the fights stand shoulder to shoulder with members of both teams, forming a human circle. This ensures that no man may flee the fight, until it is done. Contestants who stray too close to the edge of the human enclosure face getting pummels or knifed by fans and opposing teammates. Like hockey, a "Zamboni" clears the pit between innings. However, the "Zamboni" of the Lumber Fights is not a giant machine, but a man with a snow-shovel, who clears the sawdust or dirt-lined pit floor of broken teeth and clotted blood. Contestants are provided with lumber at the scene of the fight. Others choose to bring their own lumber with them. Either way, league standards are lengths of 2x4, and may not be any longer- but may be cut shorter, if the player is more comfortable with a reduced plank. Such shortened planks are called "bonkers," named after an angler's fish bonker. Both men, or groups of men during a gang brawl, seek to KO their opponent. Though deaths are no longer allowed, since the old days, each man is expected to show his opponent no mercy during the fight, and a KO MUST be performed if the player wishes to score a point. KO's are called "Chinks," after the tendency for the original Lumber Fighter's enemy, the job-thieving chinaman of old. To be rendered unconscious is to be "chinked out," or to "go slanty eyed." Whichever team knocks the most "chinks" out by the end of the 6th inning, wins. IV. MISC The official song of Lumber Fighting is, first, the Canadian national anthem, sans any reference to the Queen, as LF was founded by men not loyal to the crown. Following Canada's national anthem, "the Beating of Faces (Brotherhood)" is played. It is by-far the most popular song between the two, and is often sung by real Canadian patriots in place of the national anthem.