The Seventh Man.

Discussion in 'Your Shitty Projects' started by Baya Rae 4900, Sep 20, 2012.

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  1. Baya Rae 4900

    Baya Rae 4900
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    Lawlman

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    The first man poured some tea as he waited for the second. The second entered the room cautiously with his pistol drawn.

    "I've been waiting for you," said the first man.
    "Who are you?" said the second.
    "Please sit down," said the first man.
    "Who are you?" said the second, visibly angered.
    "My name is Jones," said the first man, "I've been hired to kill you."
    "Then why tell me?" said the second.
    "If you want me to tell you then you must sit down and have some tea," said the first man.

    Bemused, the second man sat down but continued holding the pistol in one hand and aiming it at the first man.

    "I'm giving you a chance," said the first man.
    "Why?" said the second.
    "Because I was once like you," said the first man.
    "In what way?" said the second.
    "I mean that quite literally," said the first man, "I'm your predecessor."
    "There are others?" said the second.
    "Many," said the first man, "You're the seventh, as far as I know."
    "What happened to the rest?" said the second.
    "They got killed," said the first man, "Or went crazy. Or were fired."
    "Fired?" said the second man.
    "You're expendable," said the first man, "As I was. As we all were."
    "But why would they kill their best agent?" said the second.
    "Because you know too much," said the first man, "Because what you know is more of a threat to them than all the enemies of theirs you've defeated."
    "Why tell me?" said the second.
    "Because you deserve a chance," said the first man, "Because I know what betrayal feels like."

    The second man picked up the cup with his free hand.

    "How do I know this isn't some kind of ploy," said the second man, with a smirk.
    "You don't," said the first.
    "I could kill you right now," said the second man.
    "You can," said the first, "But you won't."
    "How do you know?" said the second man.
    "Because you know I'm telling the truth," said the first.

    The second man put the cup down and holstered his pistol. He stood up to leave but before he left he turned to the first.

    "Goodbye, Mr Jones," said the second man.
    "Goodbye, Mr Bond," said the first.
     
  2. minty

    minty
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    toymaker

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    i like where this is going, but there's a WHOLE BUNCH of "said the..." that can be taken out.
    it's short and straight to the point, and you don't know what's quite going on yet, which is good when you want to draw in readers, because they want to see where the story's going and how it's going to develop, so that's good.
    generally after 2-4 lines of dialog, especially between only two people, you know it's going back and forth, so you don't need the "said ___" afterwards.
    i'd take a lot of it out, and to break up the monotony of the "saids" if one is asking a question, i'd switch to "questioned the first" and if another is replying i'd switch to "responded the second" so that it spices up the story with some less monotonous reading.
     
  3. Solution

    Solution
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    Everyone is boring

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    "I like it, do go on" said the solution
     
  4. Aroukar

    Aroukar
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    and the Aroukar agreed.
     
  5. BeardBrain

    BeardBrain
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    Too redundant. Work on your vocabulary to be less repetitive. Like what Minty said.