still cant kick heroin

Discussion in 'Food, Drugs & Alcohol' started by Flu, Jun 30, 2012.

  1. Flu

    Flu
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    t his is my one lucid moment as i've managed to get my hands on a G of down despite being broke and soon to be homeless (until I move back to the forest).

    i've been fighting hobos for bottles and cans a lot these days, walking around trying not to shit my pants for the withdrawals while scav'ing cigarette butts to roll and smoke, and of course, for cans; of which, over a months time, may equal about 2 Q's (or $60). the hobos downtown are very territorial about bottle rights, but like i told one guy tonight, "fuck you." the hobos where i live are mostly old and decrepit, and though walking in my semi-state is sheer agony, i am much younger, and thereby faster and meaner than they are, able to boost by them and claim the prize of aluminum or the much coveted glass bottles - some, the milk ones, being worth a whole dollar.

    my gf has very politely kicked me out for not paying rent and basically being a lethargic addict. while i'm very unhappy to be leaving her, i am beyond happy to be finally free of this god forsaken chink town called vancouver, bc. i can't wait to go back home, to the woods - to guns - to motorbikes- to demon worship in the woods.

    i've nearly beat a man in my apartment, though entirely strung out, stinking like BO and some weird man-produced chemical by-product of the strain of severity, of which i've taken note that animals do not like --- they possibly do not trust a creature of my smell. i think i reek of panic and impending danger to them... just as i do to girls riding next to me on the bus.

    i have become the chemical bi-polar soldier.

    today i return to sobriety once more, not by choice but by circumstance and then, into some god forsaken abyss, the lip of which is my couch in my gf's apartment, and from the double-stuffed, 6-foot long, normally comfy ledge, i suppose i'll fall back down that crap-lined rabbit hole into sober oblivion yet again.

    my only fucking recourse is to shower. lots of showers. to lay down on, or ideally next to, strength and energy dictating, stacks of old and food encrusted pots and pans, knives and bloody cutting boards, and to turn the shower up as hot as i can stand and lay there soaking until my energy is restored enough to crawl into bed and black out for that luscious, and so precious, 15 minutes-if-lucky bit of abandon called 'rare sleep,' for again, there will be none for days, maybe a week.

    and in that week and few days time, comes next an awful move, back to my dad's place, a failure of failures, to begin anew, sober and dispassionate. THE MAYANS HAD BETTER BE RIGHT.

     
  2. Dr. Rice

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    Girlvinyl

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    What ever happened to our dream of being China Traders?!
     
  3. Flu

    Flu
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    i did all the china white, the china brown, the china black - im afraid we might be out of china all together
     
  4. rageahol

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    I heard tramadol helps a lot.

    I went through some awful withdrawals last year and staying physically cold helped so much. Put some clothes in the freezer and lie down on a cold linoleum floor, or take a cold bath.
     
  5. Khanzer

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    Get a job man.
     
  6. Flu

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    I wanted to get hold of clonidine for the junk sickness, but I have no cash whatsoever right now, save about $5 in empty bottles. Also, as I type this, I'm already engulfed in the first stages of withdrawal: the foggy head, lethargy, unwarranted depression, beginning sweats, and lack of appetite. Basically, there's no way I'm going out, riding a bus, tracking down some doc, paying him $20 for an interview, then taking the note that I'll maybe get to a grocery store pharm where I'll have to drop another $20 minimum.

    No... at best, I'm aiming for some fancy anti-shitting-your-pants-pills and one of those 100-count bottles of Gravol.
     
  7. Weezus Christ

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    i know that feel bro.

    just wait a little longer and when the elevator reaches the twelfth floor the blood will pour.
     
  8. Dr. Rice

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    Medium term plans are changing. Can you start writing for ED? Simple things like add onto articles and bullshit. If you are feeling like it, start putting up some of your writing up here.
     
  9. Flu

    Flu
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    I used to write for ED a fair amount.
    I'd still consider it, but not any time soon. I'm already down the first road of severe withdrawal again, and I suspect I will be for the next few days, not counting the next several weeks as my mind tries to adjust. However, very soon I'll be single and back home, and I suspect being sober will be the least of my worries. In which case, writing for ED might make for the perfect, cathartic experience. Either that, or I'll blow my brains out.
     
  10. Trixie

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    NO @Flu
    don't blow your brains out!!!
    please don't do it!
     
  11. Weezus Christ

    Weezus Christ
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    hes a masochistic, he wont do that.

    he feeds on misery.
     
  12. Trixie

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    he should write & you do the pictures....
    it's a match made in heaven.
     
  13. SuzanneMarie

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    Trixie, he never does anything a woman tells him to do, so try DO EET FAGGOT.
     
  14. Trixie

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    you know-you can just fuck off.....
    flu is a valuable member here while you are not.
    STFU & GTFO!
     
  15. SuzanneMarie

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    I like Flu and wish him no harm, you moron.
     
  16. Trixie

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    again-
    flu= valuable member
    you=/= valuable member
    so take you minuscule post count and go cry in the corner.
     
  17. SuzanneMarie

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  18. Trixie

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    :dolan: bitch pls
     
  19. rageahol

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    So are you guys going to start ripping off your clothes and wrestling or am I just wasting my time here?
     
  20. SuzanneMarie

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  21. Trixie

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    no.
     
  22. rageahol

    rageahol
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    Heartless tease.
     
  23. Trixie

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    noob.
     
  24. uberfukken

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  25. uberfukken

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  26. Flu

    Flu
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    I'd just like to point out that Trevor nailed it dead-on: that I'm a damn dirty masochist, and I feed on negative emotions, somehow converting them to a natural, heroin-like liquid on which my brain feeds (sort of a Dark Crystal / draining of the Podlings, type deal but with 300x more angst) and upon on which even my body swells up, big and huge, like the mighty puffer fish or Trixie on any given day, flush with toxins, making me entirely unlovable, unhugable, thereby starting the essential circle of self-loathing over and over again.

    I think I'm going to write a summer camp themed story next, about rock and roll summer camp, with lots of nasty, underaged sex and pot smoking councillors, with maybe an alien or Japanese guy who wants to learn to rock, involved.

    I'll probably go with the Japanese guy. I've already written a line for him,

    "THESE PANTIES ARE WILD!!"
     
  27. Flu

    Flu
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    oh man, from now on, i'll just use this clip to summarize everything that's gone down in the last few months. this clip is so fucking accurate...
     
  28. uberfukken

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    Look buddy, unless you were dropping $200/week on your habit before being suddenly broke, I got no sympathy for you. Deal with your withdrawals like a man, get yourself together, make some money, and move along.

    I feel sorry for people who have unfortunate luck. You seem to be doing this to yourself.
     
  29. Trixie

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    you do care... :cchug:
     
  30. Flu

    Flu
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    I was doing a gram a day - thats $120. of course it's not a luck thing you stupid faggot. it was me putting a heap of drugs into my system. so much drugs that it would have killed just about anybody else. thanks for the cool words, grandpa (faggot)