Resident Evil Retribution : How Stella Got Her Groove Back <SPOILERS>

Discussion in 'Video Games & Weeaboo Shit' started by umkemesik, Sep 14, 2012.

  1. umkemesik

    umkemesik
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    I will be doing Movie Reviews on EDF now (as I did with as Kaiser p.s. I was also sin/cos/tan and a handful of other socks)

    SPOILER ALERT: PEOPLE TURN INTO ZOMBIES

    MOVIE SCORE: FLACCID F5. (Yes, I’m fucking using the same rating scale as Hustler)



    Resident Evil Retribution (ReR) Picks up with the rest of the franchise does, so naturally it’s a piece of shit right off the bat. There is no chance of a good plot because the story was hijacked three movies ago. The shit cast from the last Re’s return, because predicatively they were all clones:



    The first 30 minutes are a fucking nightmare. The movie starts going back (reversing the time flow) in time which is cool the first minute and then you realize how stupid it is after five minutes. Cut to next seen. Our Heroine wakes up and all of a sudden she is a Mom (Husband is the Jew from Re1 and Re2) with what is support to be a deaf girl but she does not sound deaf, so she’s probably autistic. Racoon City is again overran by zombies and she eventually dies. Sad/10.

    Next scene. She wakes up in an umbrella prison and is tortured by “Jill” by playing annoying sounds. This is ineffective, the best way to torture someone is having them read this fucking movie script. Because right now you are fucking confused whether this is supposed to be a Resident Evil Movie or fucking Groundhog’s Day with Bill Murray.


    Suddenly Anonymous hax into the computer and conveniently her clothes are released for sm/lesbo sex. The computer reboots and she is released into “Tokyo” which is like the opening scene from the previous flick. She runs back into the facility and as it turns out it was Ada Wong and Wesker that hax'd and not Fumo.

    Now you’re mind fucked because Wesker died the last film on the Helicopter. This is a MASSIVE PLOTHOLE bigger than messyjessie’s vage after being fucked by a pack of Jews (blacks don’t have big penises, it’s a myth). A few scenes later you discover that the people in the last scene (the Mom scene) were infact clones. Which makes sense if you were following the Escher-like script of the last fucking movies (RE: Attack of the Clones and RE: A New Hope). The Cities are all fake and are one huge clone/training operation. Reminds me of a plot in X-Man comics.

    This explains why the cast of the first movie is there but they NEVER FUCKING EXPLAIN HOW WESKER IS STILL ALIVE. Yes caps, that’s how big that fucking mindfuck was. How did Wesker survive? If you’re a dumb shit like me and thought you’d find the answer, here is a spoiler: you never are told how Wesker survived.

    Wesker is apparently a good guy now not working for umbrella. He sends “help” which turns out to be a bunch of B-List Actors with infinite bullets. Too bad they weren’t given God-Mode since most die. Eventually they meet a Soviet Army infected with Las Plagas. Which is basically the same fucking thing since they behave just like the zombies. No, they do not mutate or explode like in the games.

    Eventually they meet up and GTFO minus a couple of members. The survivors are attacked outside when a Submarine breeches and knocks them over. Now it’s Jill vs the Wetback who died in the first movie. The wetback injects herself with Herpes and plans to gangbang the men Las Plagas and now the bullets shot into here are spit out her fingertips. Jill is eventually freed from mind control when here boobs are touched by our Heroine. The wetback is sent to the ocean when the ice is shot underneath her. Naturally she jumps out the water, as all illegals are proficient swimmers. Only to be dragged down by other zombies that were infected by Las Plagas and were supposedly drowned.

    Now at this point you may be wondering why the fuck would other soldiers infected with Las Plagas attack another person affected by the same parasite. Well, that’s number #12 on the plothole list, there’s too many for me to list. Eventually they go find Wesker who has made his home in the White House, apparently they killed the Obama-Dracula zombie and replaced him with the Aryan race’s biggest achievement.

    Naturally Wesker injects our heroine with moar T-Virus and restores her powers so she can fight the last battles. Camera cuts away to a scene and Washington is surrounded by zombies.

    TL;DR This movie is fucking horrible. The 3-D Version SUCKS don’t waste your money, it blows. The only redeeming quality is that there are a few scenes that will make you jump. They need a serious reboot that sticks closer to the storyline of the games (although the game’s story has been mindfucked as well).
     
  2. Murdoc esp

    Murdoc esp
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    soy un vago de mierda....
    TL;DR fuck off , If u didn't get it, that's your fucking problem
     
  3. umkemesik

    umkemesik
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    Get what. There is no fucking plot, its not like I'm watching a Stanley Kubrick film.
     
  4. Bottom Feeder

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    Girlvinyl

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    Bump

    I...watched it and I'm at a loss for words.
     
  5. umkemesik

    umkemesik
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    I wish you read this, could have saved you $10 dollars. I saw Taken 2, that was pretty good, not as good as the first one, but OK.

    EDIT:

    BTW, where you also wondering how the fuck Wesker was STILL alive after being blasted in the last one?
     
  6. Bottom Feeder

    Bottom Feeder
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    Girlvinyl

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    Everyone knew it was going to be shit, but I greatly overestimated it.

    At that point Wesker wasn't a surprise, I wasn't really paying that much attention anyway. I was too shocked, wandering how something like that could have been made, it's just a series of cheesy videogame's commercials. That's wasn't a movie, there wasn't any effort to even try to make it look like one, the acting, the fighting sequences, the random cameos.... just wow.
     
  7. Lyle

    Lyle
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    turtle

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    There are no good movies anymore, they are all the fucking same JUST LIKE TODAYS VIDEOGAMES. All flash and no substance. To fuck with the story and character development, we want unrealistic explosions, covered tits and fast moving camera switching in awkward positions durr.
     
  8. umkemesik

    umkemesik
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    You know, the first two were not bad, it just got craptastic afterwords. Almost like Underworld.
     
  9. Rock

    Rock
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    Girlvinyl

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    RE Retribution captured in one image: [​IMG]
     
  10. Baya Rae 4900

    Baya Rae 4900
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