As you might have noticed, I like to eat. Fortunately, I'm also not too bad a chef so I can more or less prepare any dish my heart fancies, or at least a fairly close imitation. But there are those who find cooking a bore, don't have the time or simply can't hack it (and have no girlfriend to do it for them), but still find themselves wanting something other than stale Chinese takeout, bland deep-frozen pizza and greasy mac and cheese, be it for the pleasure of their own palate or to impress potential sex partners. To those people I say: "PIMP YOUR TOAST!" These toast-based recipes are so easy an aspie could do them, yet so tasty said aspie's brain would explode from sensory overload. All these recipes work best with white bread that has a somewhat sturdy crust so it won't come apart in the pan. Darker, rye-based breads work fine too. TOAST ROYALE You need: -slices of bread -white wine, ideally a dry sort -caviar -salad cream -some tangerines (aka mandarins) -bleu cheese In a heated pan with a LITTLE butter, briefly roast the slices of bread from both sides till they are a light brown and crisp (this should only take few seconds per side). Then, turn down the heat and add white wine, till the bottom of the pan is completely covered by about 2 or so milimeters of wine. It will start to boil almost instantly, Soak the slices in the wine, turn them over a couple of times to ensure they are evenly soaked with wine (in short marinate the bread in the wine). When all the wine has evaporated, add more. Do this 2-3 times, and make sure to flip the slices over a lot to keep them from becoming burnt. Take the pan off the stove and let the slices dry for a bit (shouldn't take long in the hot pan). When they are no longer dripping wet, take the slices out of the pan and thinly spread salad cream on them. Spread the caviar on top of it, serve with bleu cheese and decorate with the tangerine wedges. Voilà, you have the toast equivalent of a vintage Rolls-Royce. THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS You need: -bread -whiskey, bourbon works best -bacon -orange or lime marmalade, the really bitter sort Do with the bread and the whiskey as with the above recipe, but roast the toast till it's really dark, a little burnt even. Fry the bacon, and put it atop of the bourbon-toast slices on which you have spread the marmalade (believe me, it tastes great with the really bitter stuff). Goes great with baked beans. Warning: eating this may cause your chest hair to grow! ONE FOR THE LADIES You need: -bread, duh -ca. 50 ml of buttermilk -a lemon -orange juice -cocos shavings Mix the buttermilk with the juice from the lemon and a dash of orange juice, then do with the mixture and the bread as in the other two recipes. The toast will likely not completely absorb the buttermilk, just pour the remaining fluid over the slices of toast on a plate and sprinkle with cocos shavings. Tastes great with vanilla ice cream (or so I'm told). SWEET SWEETBACK'S BADASS TOAST You need: -guess what, bread -Coca Cola -couverture (that chocolate you use to make chocolate coating for cakes) -watermelon, diced Same drill as above with the toast and the coke. The toast should get a sugary crust and take on the color of the cola. Take the slices out of the pan, melt the couverture in the pan, put the slices back in, turn them over a couple of times until they're covered in chocolate, then take them out again and let the chocolate coating become solid. Serve with diced watermelon. A great dessert to have after some fried chicken.