Official thread of military stories

Discussion in 'Religion & Politics' started by Lloyd, Jan 14, 2012.

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  1. Lloyd

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    OK, this one goes out to all y'all on here who have served in the armed forces, no matter if you've seen actual deployment or not. I bet you have some funny stories, it comes with the job (or some PSD stories, those are an entertaining read as well).

    A thread @TheDude2894 made had me reminiscing about my time in the Bundeswehr (the whole 9 months, lol), which consisted of laughably little actual duty and lots of intoxication, because they had no use for the conscripts and didn't want to give us any chances to mess anything up or invest any unnecessary time and energy in our training (they abolished the draft a year ago, wisely).

    Anyway, here's a little copypasta from that thread:

    And another story I like: adjacent to our base was an airfield, for transport planes (I guess so the tanks stationed at our base could be flown elsewhere). And a guy I'd befriended in basic training was in a unit part of whose duty it was to patrol the perimeter of the airfield at night (why is beyond me, the base was in Aurich, close to the Dutch border, so hardly a high-threat environment).

    Anyway, adjacent to the path around the field was a meadow where some farmer's cattle would graze, among them a steer. The steer was an aggressive mofo by all accounts, my buddy said he'd come to the thin wire fence and then walk alongside you, snorting and eyeing you. The path between the meadow fence and the airfield fence was only like a meter wide, so the beast would often come too close for comfort, I imagine that must've been pretty unnerving.

    So one night, they hear from the airfield perimeter and of course everyone is pretty surprised/excited and they check it out. Turns out one of the patrols had finally lost his nerve and emptied his clip into the animal. It was supposedly all ripped up, with the guts coming out of the belly and all that good stuff. The farmer apparently filed a complaint and was compensated.

    And then there was the guy who, on the farewell party on our last day of service shat in one of the big trophies awarded to the company for successes in military sports and the like, a big gold bowl with a lid. He managed to get ahold of the key to the trophy cabinet, took the trophy out, the lid off, took a dump in the bowl, put the lid back on and put it back in the cabinet while we distracted the officers. It looked no different than before the deed, and sadly we weren't around to witness the outcome, but damn did I find it funny at the time.

    Anyway, I'm sure there are better stories to be had from EDiots who did more than just pretend to be a soldier for nine moths like I did. Tell 'em here.

    [​IMG]
     
  2. KelpBurn

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    My friend is a private in Basic and he told me stories about the gas training they had to go through. They file you into a nice tight building and fill it with imitation Mustard Gas (most likely low-grade irritants) and force you to take your masks off. He was told to recite his Name, Rank, DoB, and SS Number and was one of the few to do so before succumbing to the burning smoke. Some other dude made a beeline after they were told to leave and blindly knocked himself out after running into a wall. There was one chick who wasn't affected by the gas though, so I assume she was a protester at one of the occupy movements for a good while.
     
  3. Atomic_Joe

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    I watched a donkey strapped with a buttload of hmx explode in the middle of the freeway. It was raining meat, and it was hilarious.
     
  4. $$Trooper

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    I'm $$Trooper, a badass commie nigger.

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    .. is that a chick?
     
  5. Tai Le Ree

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    I still haven't signed up for the draft.
     
  6. Rock

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    I have a story not from the far past but from the last month as a matter of fact! I've never been in the Army or any military branch but one time as a kid an Armenian kid threw a rock at me so I know exactly what our troops are going through. No, I was buying toys for my cat for Christmas =^w^=

    I stretched out on the bed of my Saigon hotel, watching the fan blade on the ceiling rotate slowly above me. Been there a week now, waiting for a mission, getting softer. Every minute I stayed in that room, I got weaker, and every minute Charlie was squatting in the bush, he got stronger. I knew I had to do something decisive or my growing need to return to the jungle would kill me, so I got in my car and humped it six clicks to Wal-Mart, where the cat toys were.

    that's the end of the story.
     
  7. Moscow

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    It's not just about football

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    ok, now I'm interested. care to tell us the story of how this went down?
     
  8. Solution

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    In '03 i was on a dart mission to retrieve the remains of a CH47 that went down in between kandahar and kalut. By the time we got there the locals had taken every thing that wasn't bolted to the bird, including the bodies, while we did our 10, 20, 50, 100 meter walk out, the guys started shouting. Some on had caught a glimpse of something floating in a small creek he had crossed. The aviation reaction team and half of the security team got the remains of the bird loaded and left back to kandahar, while the rest of us waited for 2 ch47s to come retrive the 17 bodies we fished out of that creek. What a hoot!
     
  9. Flu

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    It was the 16th month of Operation Arab Freedom, and my squad had run drastically low on bullets. Provisions were gone and out company Chaplain was bugging out, claiming now was the time when the world flood was most needed. Pinned, under heavy fire, day and night, we hunkered down amongst the ruins of what used to be a school house, later turned into a Haji arms lab. Every minute felt like a lifetime spent in perdition. I hummed a patriotic song and Danny, from Kansas, played his harmonica. We loaded the last of our sparsely filled clips into our guns - 16 bullets for each of us - "make 'em count, boys." With a final hand gesture, I signaled my squad to move out against the ridge - into certain death. The cannons of the enemy roared loud like ancient dragons. We knew this was a battle lost. We knew we ran not into victory but into death... our graves... BUT FROM THE SKIES fell what looked to be comets, emblazoned with heradlic images drawn from times before the great fall of our nations! From the skies we saw them come - THE EMPEROR'S ANGELS OF DEATH...
     
  10. ExplosiveDiareah

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    GOTIM
     
  11. $$Trooper

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    I'm $$Trooper, a badass commie nigger.

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    punch a mirror perchance?
     
  12. Lloyd

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    Yeah, i guess. I thought the post needed a fun pic that sums up the general derpiness of the Bundeswehr.
     
  13. Lloyd

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    MOAR.
     
  14. CallMeMaggot

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    facepalm.
     
  15. oddguy

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  16. Atomic_Joe

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    Okay, this was early fall 2008 in Fallujah. We were on a mounted convoy to refit and resupply a bunch of FOB's in the Garma around. I guess about...2 or 3 miles past the Garma Iraqi olice station, there lay a donkey. I had a birds eye view from the turret of an MK23 and called it in to my retardo OIC. So we halt the convoy and look and look, and decide to call EOD. Those of you who've seen that show on Spike TV know that EOD takes FOR-FUCKING-EVER to get there. Anyway, about 5 hours later, EOD shows up and start doing all these sciency things and low and behold, the donkey is dead, not asleep, and is packed with enough home made explosives to punch a whole in a Buick. Apparently it was rigged like a pressure plate, with copper wiring in the plates for some kind of electronic land mine or something, I can't remember. So, they EOD doofuses start making like monkies and doing stuff, and they casually stroll back to their huge fucking armored taxi and tell us "It's a controlled detonation, give 3 minutes". About 15 minutes later, this donkey EXPLODES. Like KABLOOEY.There was a meat cloud and shit was stinky, and it got all over my helmet, and everyone was laughing. Ah, good times.
     
  17. CallMeMaggot

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    [​IMG]
     
  18. Web v1.0

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    I've got a couple of relatively fun stories from my mustering (various tests etc) for the conscription.
     
  19. Moscow

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    It's not just about football

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    oh do tell!

    This thread is pretty awesome you know.
     
  20. Lloyd

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    I bet they're all about how you tried to cheat to be labelled physically unfit you pacifist commie bastard.
     
  21. toxicmaniac

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    You can clearly see that this thread is an illegal fraud as it attempts to be "official" without the *** *** which everyone knows is the standard seal of making an official thread.
     
  22. ExplosiveDiareah

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    Really? i thought this was illegal fraud because we are telling War Stories that did not involve us, and are often made up, and it's a crime because we be disrespecting the dead!!
     
  23. jujitsu

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    FUCK YOU AND YOUR OFFICIAL ANYTHING