IM IN TROUBLE NEED HELP

Discussion in 'Locker Room Talk' started by Flu, Sep 4, 2011.

  1. Flu

    Flu
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    Fellow EDiots, I've really done it now.I'm in a bad way. I really need your help.

    See, I live in a new apartment complex on the first level and so my porch is very easily accessible to all sorts of things, like cats. Anyway, I've been feeling really bad and blue since the move and on top of the negative feelings I've gone cold turkey with drugs so I'm not thinking right. Anyway, a neighbours cat came onto my patio today and I began to pet it. It laid on its side and I thought it wanted a belly rub so I pet it and it attacked me, scratching me bad. So, instinctively I throttled the cat. But I might have throttled it too hard and too much, because it hasn't moved in like, 4 hours.

    I can't think right now. It's like looking through a cloud of a continual headache and through a vaporous foggy mist thanks to withdrawal and so I wasn't being rational.The last thing I saw was its head mashed up around my clenched hands, its eyes bugging out and its tongue swelled up and sticking out. I'm positive it's dead. Just after it died, a new neighbour I think saw me.

    I'm so fucked. What do I do? (ps I'm crying real loud right now I can't help it)

    [​IMG]
     
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  2. Rape Train

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    Sneak into the cats apartment. Steal some luggage. Say it's going to a buisness trip in London.
    Try not to think about how the cats apartment overlooks the park, and is obviously much more expensive than yours.
    Christ; I love American Psycho.

    But on a more serious note; did the cat have any tags on it or was it a stray?
     
  3. scumhook

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    Take it to your local Chinese restaurant. They'll pay cash (in my experience) as long as it hasn't started rotting.
     
  4. Cthulhu

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    Flu is not surviving catnarok that's for sure.
     
  5. Flu

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    None of the cats here seem to have any tags on them, but this cat seems distinct. It's got an odd colour patterning and heterochromia - one eye is the different colour than the other (both both are still bugged out and glazed over by death).
    I began to chop it up with my pocket knife but... Christ... it's taking too long. There's blood and tattered fur everywhere. I... think I just made matters worse.

    This only works in Gummo, or perhaps chinatown. But there's no way I'm going to a china TOWN. A china neighbour is bad enough.
     
  6. TheBrickBalls

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    Girlvinyl

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    If a mountain lion or some mean dog came over and took a swipe at you and you happened to strangle it as a means of preserving your life, and a neighbor saw you, would you get charged with animal abuse?

    The cat attacked you and you just defended yourself.
     
  7. Flu

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    I know if this was my old small town home I would have been in the clear, but this is the big city and city people are weird about people killing their pets.
     
  8. Cthulhu

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    Some time ago in my neighbourhood some crazy mother fucker used to go out at night and shoot cats with a hunting rifle.
     
  9. Flu

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    Yeah it was probably me. This used to pass all the time back in my old hometown of Mountain Cove. There were so many ferral cats that we would go about picking them off with whatever we had on us. My buddy would shotgun them while I was apt at netting and clubbing, because I felt it was fairer as it gave the cat a fighting chance.
    But when I killed that cat a few hours ago... Christ... I never meant to, I swear. It just came... naturally... you can't go from killing so many cats almost daily, to not killing cats just 'cause you live in a city. It was self defense, but even now, somebody just knocked on my door. I'm too worried to answer...
     
  10. Rape Train

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    Yes. Yes you did. I was going to say "Hit it with a car, and return it to its neighbors while apologizing for hitting it" but that isn't going to happen now.
    Time for a game changer. I'd advise on of these two things;
    1. Put the cats body in a pillow case; wait for night and trash it in a dumpster.
    2. Cook the cat like a normal animal, and trash the recognizable cat parts using the above method.
    Both have advantages and flaws. One requires less effort, but the corpse could begin to stink if you wait too long. However, it gets rid of the body if neighbors are checking up on you.
    The latter takes more time, but decomposition is less of a problem. It's a bit macabre, and the blood will make a mess.
    Basically the first one starts off low risk and gets more risky as time goes by, but the second plan starts off high risk and goes down.
    Also you're going to want to clean up the blood and tattered fur. Take care of the blood before it stains.

    I prefer the second plan; free cat meat.
     
  11. Flu

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    I... should have waited. After the knock on th door, I panicked and tried flushing the body parts... Now theres blood and tattered parts of the cat in my carpet, and a whole bunch of its meat in my toilet. There's ... blood everywhere. The tail won't flush. I threw the ears out the window, and the rest of the cat is in the freezer... oh man, I'm so fucked. I gotta lay low.
     
  12. Rape Train

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    Whatever happens don't post this to /b/. They'll send you pizzas you didn't order. It would be tragic.
     
  13. CallMeMaggot

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    This:

    [​IMG]

    Argue you were perfectioning your squirrel catapult and ran out of experimental subjects. He will understand, it's for science
     
  14. Rock

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    First, smoke a cigarette and take a shot of 'Patron: you need something to take the edge off and to keep your hands from shaking for what comes next
    Take the animal, cut a slit upon the abdomen right in between its arms. Spread out the flesh until the ribcage is showing.
    For this next part take scissors, cut vertically across each bone of the ribcage. It's a small animal so with some effort any brand/sort of scissor will work.
    Do this until the left/center is clear. You will see two sacks: these are the lungs. Remove them and you should see a fleshy quasi-circular muscle. It may even still be pumping depending on the time of death. If it's pumping: better for you. If its not it's still ok. This is the heart
    Rip it out, I can't stress this enough, you must rip it out as much like a feral beast for the tribal energy
    eat the heart
    you will gain the animals powers
     
  15. Flu

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    Ok. Ok. ok... the parts of the cat that I salvaged, i managed to stitched back together. it looks... gross... but it should do for now. when night falls, i will take the cat and deposit its remains under the wheels of the first truck or car i find. im hoping it will get run over and, god willing, the cat will be nothing more than a red muck stain on the road. the few parts i could piece back together ive suspended off a homemade shrine. im praying to the ancient god of carnage and if all works out, the cats soul should reanimate its corpse. ill post results.
     
  16. $$Trooper

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    I'm $$Trooper, a badass commie nigger.

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    This will work out well.
     
  17. CallMeMaggot

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    You'll be able to vomit hairballs, like when you tried autofellatio, but better
     
  18. Phelan

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    You fucking cunt "throttled the cat"?? seriously get raped and killed
     
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  19. Inconsequential Peon

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    Don't worry, it's just sleeping. What you did was an old vet's technique for calming unruly cats. Just wrap it in a towel to keep it warm and leave it near the owner's doorstep. Trust me, I'm a vet.
     
  20. oddguy

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    The Prime Memeister

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    we all do it

    [​IMG]
     
  21. Inconsequential Peon

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    Ediot

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    I've personally not been raped or killed. I never get to have any fun.