EDF Storytime is out!!!!

Discussion in 'Your Shitty Projects' started by Moscow, Feb 4, 2012.

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  1. Moscow

    Moscow
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    It's not just about football

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    Here it is my friends, my first recording of "ED storytime" in which I read a selection of ever so slightly fucked up little tales for your delight and delectation. sorry about the lack of a theme tune, I was too lazy to bother with that this time around. I might get around to it later though. anyhoo, here's the link, Enjoy.

    Chowderhouse
     
  2. Moscow

    Moscow
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    I'm also sorry for the shit tier sound quality. it was done with my phone because I'm a poorfag who can't afford a proper mike.
     
  3. Moscow

    Moscow
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    It's not just about football

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    Ok, what should I read next? another flu fic or theres that story about The Member Formerly Known As Baya rae raping himself.
     
  4. TheDukeOfCrowns

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    Do ragnar the red from Skyrim.

    and

     
  5. Moscow

    Moscow
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    It's not just about football

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  6. Weezus Christ

    Weezus Christ
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    HAHAHAHAHAHA YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  7. CallMeMaggot

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    Girlvinyl

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    weezus, u still "owe" us the tale of your last multiple fractures...
     
  8. Weezus Christ

    Weezus Christ
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    well im hyped up on goofballs right now so i guess ill write it.
     
  9. Tom

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    Once upon a time there was a furfag named Tom, he was a faggot. The end.
     
  10. Moscow

    Moscow
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    you enjoy that weez?
     
  11. CallMeMaggot

    CallMeMaggot
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    Girlvinyl

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    wow, ur master in psychology really shows up

    ;)
     
  12. Moscow

    Moscow
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    ha ha, I know right. :D
     
  13. ExplosiveDiareah

    ExplosiveDiareah
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    This was the last thing i read on here before going to bed, now i find no story, so.... get on with it..
     
  14. Moscow

    Moscow
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    listen to chowderhouse. no readin required by you. just sit back and let my dulcent northern tones lull you to sleep...
     
  15. Weezus Christ

    Weezus Christ
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    i actually started to but then i started writing my life story as a series of fights and was working up to all the later stuff...
    i think i left off at the part where i destroyed a motorcycle gang hideout when i was sixteen.

    i could post it but its long as fuck and incomplete.
     
  16. Moscow

    Moscow
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    post it anyway, it sounds like an epic story.
     
  17. Weezus Christ

    Weezus Christ
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    heres part of it. im not going to post the whole thing because its embarassing and poorly written.




    me and my other friend who was as much of a firestarter as myself began selling drugs using

    connections from his mom. these connections lead to our first type of gang conflict. a biker gang

    of steroid abusing body builders that operated out of a head shop above a gold's gym. seems my

    friends mom stole their supply and alot of their wares from the shop and they muscled my friend

    and interrogated him when he showed up while i was left in the car with two guys staring me

    down and getting hostile if i tried to get out. we had no weapons in the car. i remember looking for

    anything and finding nothing. not even an old coat hanger to stab one of them with.

    when we got loose from them we decided to have our revenge. we drove out to their hideout.

    this was a gang hideout. it was in the woods with a yard of chewed dry dirt and pit bulls on

    chains. the house was run down. when we arrived we decided to drive our old gun metal grey

    mustang through the fucking wall of the house. we hit a support beam and brought the roof

    halfway down.

    we went in and found a living room with mattresses leaned against all the walls. we wasted no

    time destroying everything we possibly could with aluminum baseball bats. we left a garbage

    dump where a house once stood. we even tipped over the refrigerator and kicked the door off of it.

    im not sure if our gun was loaded but we had one we stole from his grampa who was a lawyer and

    had a 9mm that was used in a murder. haha

    i stole an old tape deck stereo which was the only thing we didnt bash the shit out of.

    that was the last we talked about that.
     
  18. Moscow

    Moscow
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  19. Weezus Christ

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    i should add that one of the bodybuilders was rumored to have aids he got from using a dirty steroid needle he shot himself up in the dick with.

    i cant remember his name now.

    i was like seventeen when that happened. its funny how kids dont know any better so they take waaaay more drugs than anyone else would think of and do the most insane shit.
     
  20. Moscow

    Moscow
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    it's like you live in one of Flu's stories.
     
  21. Weezus Christ

    Weezus Christ
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    heres another one thats fucked up. i have a billion of these written... im trying to refine them and make them into actual stories instead of short summaries.

    there was a family of incestuous drunken

    alcoholics on the end of the street that terrorized all the other more suburban children. they

    were the moppins. a horrible bunch that began their raping and reign of terror early in life.

    i was routinely beaten up by the lot of them almost every day. for some reason they liked me

    and would hang around me despite the occasional torment. well that would change forever.

    the boy a year older than my age was an insane bushwacker piece of white trash. he followed me

    home one day while trying to pick on me. you see, he usually was successful in bullying me due

    to having a much older brother who would make sure i stood no chance. so i lured him into my

    yard and got him in the back yard away from any protectors or cohorts.

    i easily punched him to the ground, pinned his arms with my knees and strangled the life nearly

    out of him. i asked in a thunderous voice "are you going to leave me alone?!" and he squeezed

    enough air out of his lungs to say "never"

    at that point i lost control. i strangled him and beat his head against the concrete over and over

    screaming. i watched his face turn many different colors. his eyes bulged and vomit or thick snot

    was leaking from his mouth. i finally stopped when i was convinced he was dead. his face was

    a dark bluish purple and he was limp.

    when i stopped strangling and beating him i became horrified at myself and took several steps

    back. i was in big trouble. but the color returned to his face and he began coughing while he

    slowly and awkwardly stumbled away.

    after that he was my bitch. he beat people up for me and was completely subservient.

    which leads to my first sighting of a vagina and an almost rape. that same boy i nearly strangled

    to death told me to meet him behind a church that was behind his house. his sister was there and

    i saw none of the ninja turtles or sticks with nails in them i expected. he rushed his sister and bent

    her over an air conditioning unit behind the church and pulled her pants down. "quick put your

    dick in her!" he said in a yelled whisper. i was horrified. she was screaming and he was undoing

    his own pants. i told him to stop that shit and he did without hesitation. his sister ran off and

    i never told anyone about it. his older sister was then found pregnant from her own father a bit later.
     
  22. ExplosiveDiareah

    ExplosiveDiareah
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    HOLY SHIT
    It's no mystery why you live in the Woods now, too many fucking fucked up seppo's
     
  23. Weezus Christ

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    yeah my parents are really good people and my family life was great... but HOLY SHIT is right... my neighborhood was twisted. i had alot of insane scary neighbors.

    one of my neighbors was this psycho that threatened to kill the constable, knocked on his door and told him he would kill him if he snitched. nobody knew what he was talking about.
    my sister was dating the constables son is how i heard about it. they were our neighbors also.

    we would play out in this field behind the guy's house in this big field and he dug this really deep pit. we would play with gi joes in it for the first week it was there.

    then he drug this big fucking trash man-sized trashed back to it and tossed it in and buried it. the same day he had put this entire giant bunch of brush over where the hole was.
    he poured a shit ton of gasoline on it. a SHIT TON. so much that it exploded in this giant fucking ball of flame when he lit it and nearly killed himself.

    when it burned up we talked endlessly about whether or not it was a body. he was a scary guy and we were afraid to dig around and find out.

    theres a mexican restaurant built over where the hole was. i still wonder about that.


    this area has so many fucking psychos. by comparison im the picture of sanity. haha
     
  24. ExplosiveDiareah

    ExplosiveDiareah
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    Just a shame it wasen't a fatal fire ball.
     
  25. lulzbomb

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    Its been confirmed for a while . Tell the one ....you know that one when you made a blood sacrifice to the sodomy gods .
     
  26. Patroclus Rex

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    Dulcet? Pfffffhahahaha.
     
  27. Harpoons

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    Fissure of Man

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    Lee Mack seems to have done pretty well for himself without too much of a Lancastrian accent.

    Subtle as anything
     
  28. Moscow

    Moscow
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    aye, look at john bishop- he sounds scouse as fuck but we love him anyway.
     
  29. Seku

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    Your voice is erotic.
     
  30. Moscow

    Moscow
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    It's not just about football

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    I'm flattered :awesome: