Coon-Suit Riot

Discussion in 'Hard Gay Shitpost Metropolis' started by beefrave, Nov 18, 2011.

  1. beefrave

    beefrave
    Expand Collapse
    Intergalactic Internets Services LLC

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2011
    Messages:
    2,908
    Occupation:
    www.blogtalkradio.com/magarhour
    Home Page:
    Snuggling Up with a Bunch of Feral Raccoons Is Easy and Fun



    [​IMG]
    Getting surrounded by friendly raccoons who want to eat baguettes that you’ve duct-taped to your legs is almost like being the princess of your very own Disney movie. Almost.

    Despite what the fashion industry says, manufacturing a suit of feral raccoons is not overly complicated. With a little dumpster diving, rotten food, duct tape, and careful planning, almost anyone can attract enough disease-ridden wild mammals to cover his or her person for hours at a time. It’s easy, fun, and presents only a slightly higher than average chance of contracting a terrible pathogenic infection!

    [​IMG]

    1 First you’ll need to procure a base layer of clothes sturdy and thick enough to protect against the coons’ razor-sharp teeth and claws, which will likely infect you with rabies if they pierce your skin. Safety first! At this point you may be asking yourself, “Why am I about to affix discarded food to my body and let a bunch of shit-matted ringtails crawl all over me?” To which I answer: Because they’re fucking adorable (if you ignore the poop smell), and who wouldn’t want to wear what basically amounts to a suit made of teddy bears (with infectious diseases)?

    2 As the old saying goes, the best way to get raccoons to swarm over your body is to think like a raccoon. And since eating is on their mind 80 percent of the time (the other 20 percent is divided between sex and taking dumps), there’s no better lure than food. The good news is that raccoons aren’t picky eaters; their diet is extremely diverse and includes nuts, seeds, fruit, eggs, insects, frogs, crayfish, and anything that happens to be lying—or crawling—around. Of course, city coons find decomposing human food to be mighty tasty, so open your fridge and look for nasty pizza, rotten fruits and veggies, and whatever else your lazy fucking roommate forgot to throw out three months ago. Put the grossness in a well-sealed bag and head down to wherever the raccoons hang out in your town.

    [​IMG]

    3 Just before entering coon HQ, duct-tape your bounty of trash food all over yourself. Raccoons’ propensity to enjoy garbage-can snacks, coupled with their shitty attitude and distinct facial markings, makes them the crust punks of the animal kingdom (without the heroin problem and terrible taste in music). And just like crusties, they’ll approach without warning and snatch a turkey sub right out of your hands, so you can only imagine how appetizing you’re going to look with two-week-old baguettes for arms.

    4 One comestible raccoons seem to find yucky, however, is broccoli. Use their aversion to your aesthetic and protective advantage by surrounding danger zones (i.e., your junk) with appropriate amounts of the leafy green stuff.
    [​IMG]

    5 It may be prudent to conduct a bit of research before getting down to business, locating a spot where you are certain coons congregate—a particular set of picnic tables, or that secluded and poorly lit corner of the park where bums go to die. If you’re going to all this effort, you want to be certain of the outcome. I chose Mount Royal in Montreal, which has quite the raccoon infestation.

    6 It’s totally normal to feel apprehensive when the first trash burglar comes in for a cautious nibble. If you’re anxious about the possibility of contracting a horrible affliction, talk to a local medical practitioner specializing in treating such diseases. You will find that most health-care professionals say the chances of getting rabies are quite remote, and this should go a long way toward putting your mind at ease. It would, however, be irresponsible for me to imply that infectious-disease statisticians take raccoon suits into account. Still, you’ll probably be fine, you fucking baby.

    [​IMG]

    7 If you’re really coon smitten and want to go the extra mile for your soon-to-be new best friends, find a fishmonger who will sell or give you a bag of discarded fish stewing in their own putrid juices (the
    raccoon equivalent of foie gras topped with caviar). Voilà! In a matter of seconds you will be up to your genitals in raccoons.

    8 While you’re at it, why not get creative and be fulfilled by encouraging a little coonilingus?< furfags. If you find one that doesn’t mind the broccoli, consider it a keeper.

    [​IMG]

    9 Excellent work. Now that you’ve settled on your new look for fall, it’s time to celebrate!

    10 An important note: Keep in mind that feeding wild animals is considered illegal in some areas, and partaking in activities like those mentioned above might result in a fine. But, really, how much would you pay for a suit of these cuddly little guys? It’s priceless.
     
  2. Helix

    Helix
    Expand Collapse
    resident stoner

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2011
    Messages:
    2,746
    Occupation:
    College, mang
    Home Page:
    There are no words.
     
  3. Rock

    Rock
    Expand Collapse
    Girlvinyl

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2011
    Messages:
    4,645
    Occupation:
    Pretty boy swag'n
    Home Page:
    Fucking awesome
     
  4. Sir Oswald Mosley

    Sir Oswald Mosley
    Expand Collapse
    Ediot

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2011
    Messages:
    76
    awesome

    would it work with badgers?
     
  5. lulzbomb

    lulzbomb
    Expand Collapse
    Girlvinyl

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    8,691
    It wouldnt hurt to try .
     
  6. Trixie

    Trixie
    Expand Collapse
    The Nicest Poster on EDF2

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2011
    Messages:
    5,805
    Occupation:
    I work in a library.
    raccoons around here carry rabies....
     
  7. Dr. Rice

    Dr. Rice
    Expand Collapse
    Girlvinyl

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2011
    Messages:
    8,979
    Occupation:
    Small Business Wizard
    Home Page:
    "We take you to our latest breaking story, the number of badger related suicides has increased dramatically over the past few weeks..."
     
  8. lulzbomb

    lulzbomb
    Expand Collapse
    Girlvinyl

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2011
    Messages:
    8,691
    *Laughs from behind screen*[​IMG]
     
  9. Flu

    Flu
    Expand Collapse
    EDF Elite

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2011
    Messages:
    1,778
    Occupation:
    milk man
    Home Page:
    This is absolutely the best thread ever produced by this shit-tossing and underwhelming hellhole. The degree of commitment to the coon-suit is truly inspiring and my left eye has teared up from being inspired so much, while my right eye is spinning crazily around in all sorts of circles as my mind fags out picturing a super cute coon suit for myself.

    Also, beefrave - is that you in the pics? I assumed you were a dude, going on the fact you have 'beef' in your name. On my Sliding Scale of Chauvinism (SSC), you rank at a high 7/10 - which is the same as me!
    I think it would be pretty prudent of you to send me nudes now. If you're a guy, feel free to send me nudes anyway - you're still cute!

    Once again, this is the best damn thread I've ever seen on EDF2 and the bar has been raised higher than ever before. SHITPOSTERS BEWARE! THE CURE IS NEAR!

    Well done, you whore. And also congrats for living in Montreal. The one time I left the West for the shit East, I wound up in Montreal -- where the girls are hot and fashionable, and if you can't get laid the first day, you're really not trying. And so, we come back to sending me nudes, and I leave you with a firm pat on the ass and vag. Good job, beefrave!
     
  10. LordEnrique

    LordEnrique
    Expand Collapse
    Dramacrat

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2011
    Messages:
    101
    11: Kill one of the coons and make it into a hat. You are now Davey Crockett, king of the wild frontier.
     
  11. Murdoc esp

    Murdoc esp
    Expand Collapse
    EDF Elite

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2011
    Messages:
    4,121
    Occupation:
    soy un vago de mierda....
    oh wow this is great sound like a good idea for kill time in the woods
     
  12. THEE HAMMER

    THEE HAMMER
    Expand Collapse
    Dramacrat

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2011
    Messages:
    212
    BRB.

    Gonna make a deer suit in this bitch.
     
  13. Lloyd

    Lloyd
    Expand Collapse
    EDF Hero

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2011
    Messages:
    1,410
    Not gonna lie, that is a badass idea. I bet if you get really high beforehand it is even more of a riot - hell, you could try to get the raccoons high, by blowing smoke in their faces.

    I mean, the only thing cooler than a coon is a stoned coon.
     
  14. oddguy

    oddguy
    Expand Collapse
    The Prime Memeister

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2011
    Messages:
    26,879
    Occupation:
    rare deepwater jew
    Home Page:
    This is some fine work.
    We have no racoons in isreal.
    i suppose i could do this with ally cats,But i also have no friends to take pictures.
     
  15. Weezus Christ

    Weezus Christ
    Expand Collapse
    EDF Savior

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2011
    Messages:
    8,897
    Occupation:
    breakfast mummy
    Home Page:
    what if a bunch of fur suit raccoon hipsters all come up and gang rape you though...
     
  16. CallMeMaggot

    CallMeMaggot
    Expand Collapse
    Girlvinyl

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2011
    Messages:
    14,477
    Home Page:
    The inevitable outcome:

    [​IMG]