Lately i've been trying to make most of the pasta's into one story, while it was hard i think i have completed a rough draft of it. It's long as dicks so tldr as you like, lots of errors still in there that i haven't fixed. I started college really early: at 13, back in fall 1992. Needless to say, when the web came on the scene I was all over it. Before that I was fapping to shit from Usenet and Gopher. I remember putting myold 286 and its 2400 baud modem to work in the late eighties, but back then I wasn't that interested in porn yet, and at the same time I was babysitting my cousin, Alex. She's 12. 5'0" and has the lightest, most insanely beautiful beach-blonde hair, 100% natural. Her skin is a gorgeous milky white, not pasty but porcelain. Her cheeks are always flushed and her lips are naturally thick and reddish-pink. Anyway she's like a doll, she's real perfect and thin, with a cute slightly upturned ski slope nose.. This story isn't copypasta, it's 100% truth. We were watching a movie in her bedroom together and she was sitting on my lap. We stole a couple of beers from the refrigerator and started chugging them down, Now you see, Alex is a bit small for her age, and so some could mistake her for a 10-11 year old. Since she's small, she gets tired more quicker then others. Soon we were both pretty tipsy, but since Alex was more tipsy she got a little out of control. It was a hot day too, so I wasn't wearing a shirt and was just in my shorts. For some reason my cousin alex started feeling my leg. "What are you doing?" I asked uncomfortably. Alex just kept giggling as she continued to feel me, but started spreading around my body, feeling my chest, my back and before long she moved her hands towards my pubic area. Befores she made contact though, I quickly stopped her hand, curious of her reaction, i started to masturbate on the spot and moan, she just kept her gaze on my , stroke after stroke, and she was in a trance. I eventually orgasmed, as I found my current situation so exciting. She wasn’t too far from me so I had decided I would aim my at my cousin to see if I could it her. Keep in mind, she was the one who started this, so she wouldn't be able to think of a valid reason to get upset with me. I carefully aimed and some landed on her arm. She gathered it with her other hand and rubbed it between her two fingers, admiring the texture and smell. She quickly realized something that I had not known at that moment and suddenly walked out. She quickly walked to her room and closed her door. Usually, after an orgasm, I'm not aroused, but today was entirely different. I decided I would go observe her some more. As I opened the door, I saw the fingers that had my semen on them in her mouth. This had me hard again, but I managed to keep my composure. She eventually decided she would just go to sleep and I returned to my bed as well. My cousin had a habit of taking strong sleeping pills before going to bed due to insomnia, so I knew she would be out for a while. I simply could not fall asleep and had no idea what was keeping me awake. I suddenly had a sinister idea. I was going to rape my cousin. So I quickly leaped out my bed and headed for her room, until the paladins came. "WHITHER GOEST THOU, KNAVE?!" he demanded, his voice loud despite the muffling of his visored greathelm. "I was just getting my books, leave me alone." I said. I felt the hairs rising on the back of my neck; the armored bulk of the members of the Paladin squad blocked the hallway entirely. "I POSTED AN EDICT BANNING YOU FROM THIS CORRIDOR, KNAVE!" The captain roared. His lieutenant looked up from his breviary and addressed no one in particular: "METHINKS THE HERETIC LOOKS TO BE SMOTE!""NOoooo!" I cried, dodging away from the tightening circle of paladins. "Leave me alooone!" i yelled as i ran toward the stairway for all i was worth, the clanking of plates against chainmail close behind me. "SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!" The cry echoed from the concrete walls. 'Somebody heeellllp!" i cried as the paladins lifted me bodily across the yard. At their captain's encouragement they broke into a run. "SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!" the paladins let me go on the upswing, and for a brief second i was weightless, coasting through the air, until i landed with a squishy thud in the fetid darkness of the dumpster. "THY WILL BE DONE OH LORD," the paladins decided to go apeshit and sodomize me repeatedly until I finally broke down in tears, throwing my books at the ground screaming for my mom. Those fucking bastards. So I waited until their hymns of triumph faded in the distance before dragging myself clumsily up shaking, stained and stinking. i felt i could burst into tears any second, but I was outside….in the cold, everybody was watching me. Not knowing what to do next, I just continued to walk straight forward down this road, until I was about 50 yards or so up this path when I noticed a man standing off the side of the street apparently staring into the woods. As I got closer I realized his pants were down around his ankles and I could see his ass. Now, I'm straight but I have to say that it was a really nicely shaped ass for a man and I took notice. I figured maybe he was drunk and just peeing in the bushes, so I started to walk quieter so I wouldn't disturb him. But as I got closer I started hearing strange grunts and sucking sounds. I realized there was another man blowing him. Now, I'm not gay but I slowed my pace down to watch. I slowed and approached the standing man from behind. His friend didn't take any notice as his eyes were tightly closed. I came right up behind the man standing so that I could have reached out and touched him. That's when I brought the cinder block down on his head, hard. He collapsed on top of his faggot friend and I quickly finished them both off. I rolled them into the bushes and finished my walk, though in actuality I never did “finish” my walk. Still eventually, I made my way down to a super market. Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprinkle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!”. By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Ma'am, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.” And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we were about to go to another section, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. I'm not really HIV Positive, but that little shit must've gotten in a fuckheap of trouble. Then something caught my attention, in the turkey section, I saw this child thrusting what seemed like nothing. I walk a little bit closer and I nearly pissed myself when it turned out to be that this kid was thrusting his thirteen year old cock into the turkey. He jerked his head in my direction and the bird hit the ground with a wet flop, his cum dribbling out of its dead hole. Seeing how fucked up this place is (I consider myself a respectable man of principles you know) I quickly shoved a few apples up my ass, and some other things that were eatable and left. One specific thing I shoved my hole was a stick of butter, now I bet your wondering, what’s so special about this stick of butter that you would have to include it? Well to tell you the truth, I loved shoving sticks of butter up my ass hole the most. See, I’ve always had three fetishes: Little girls, semen, and butter. Ever since I first ejaculated, I’ve been somewhat turned on by butter. I experimented with butter often as a child; two or three times a day, so butter and I were very familiar with each other. Sometimes I even infused my semen with my butter, but mainly, I just liked, and still like, to watch a woman drink liquid butter. Everyone I’ve ever had sex with more than twice has eaten my butter, but that’s not the point of this story. I want to tell you of the events proceeding this fateful day. So I’m still walking down this path and around 15 minutes go by and I feel a sticky wetness on my ass cheeks and ballsack. This is when I realized that the butter I had shoved up my asshole had melted and leaked out onto my couch and it had a very distinct putrid stench to it. It had mixed with my shit to create something far worse than shit. It was probably the worst thing I’ve smelt in all my life. It actually smelt many times worse than the time I had stuck a pickle up my asshole and forgot about until the morning after. While standing there taking in this wonderfully putrid smell I realize that I cannot be the only one to smell this. So I ran behind some dumpster, and quickly took my socks off with my ass cheeks clenched not wanting to spill a drop of my shit butter. I pull out from my foot a heavy woolen sock and unload the contents of my asshole into it. I thought the smell was bad before. I now had the urge to do a barrel roll out my window to escape the horrid odor. I quickly tied the top of the sock and got back up on the road. As I walked down the street a brownish-yellow liquid slowly dripped from the bottom of the sock. The kids became very curious as to what was going on and as they approached they caught a whiff of the putrid smell emanating from the sock. This is when Joanna, a girl I knew from school vomited what looked like a freshly eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich all over the street. I nearly came in my pants at that moment. I had the sickest hard on. In fact the only thing keeping me from raping Joanna while she lay in a pool of her own vomit was my sock full of shit butter. I knew I had something to do and I was damn sure going to do it, but I didn’t know what it was. A couple of weeks go by and I managed to meet a couple of friends, get a house, and get two jobs, one at game stop and another at Papa Gino’s, yes I was rebuilding my life quite well. Anyway one night we set out from our motel room to go to a nearby bar. We get there and it's fairly quiet. We had a few drinks but decided it was kinda boring and we were going to find some place else to drink for the night. Then just as we're leaving, she caught my eye. Across the room was the most beautiful truck I've ever seen. 87 model, was wearing a 200 gallon mixer tank, you know the kind. She had tyres that went on for days. A part of me was ready to leave already. But a part of me knew that if I didn't at least talk to her I'd regret it. I downed the last of my drink to get a little Dutch courage, then I made my move. I walked up to her and said, "Hi." Girls like this usually don't give me the time of day. But something was different this time. I don't know what it it was, if she was in a different mood cos she was on holidays, too, or if I was just in the zone that night or what. But much to my surprise she was totally into me. Every smile was met with a flash of her headlights, every joke was met with a honk of her horn. She was into me, it was time to close it. "Would you like to join me at my room?" I really had gone too far ths time. But instead I hear, "Sure, let's go." I couldn't believe it. It was on. The sexiest truck I've ever seen and she wants to have sex with me! Unbelievable! We get back to my room, make out for a while then we made passionate love…..well almost. Cause after we were done making out, she started getting undressed, and at that point, any thoughts of escape that I previously had vanished in an instant. She resumed undressing, with slow, elegant moves. The stripped away clothes revealed only flawlessly white skin, a slender body without imperfection. Small breasts, yet perfect in shape and texture. Well balanced legs, not overly fat or muscular in any way. And above all, the 9 inch pointing out from her lower abdomen, erect in anticipation. 'Wait, what?' 'That...That's...That's not right!' 'That can't be right...what...what's with that? 'I could only babble incomprehensible gibberish, Are you surprised?'. She laughed. But not with the previous warmth and kindness. The laughter this time was more befitting of a hellspawned demon. If my previous reaction was overwhelming shock, this time it couldn't be put in words. As I was helpless, she rushed to me with unearthly speed, tearing away clothes as if wanting to break my body into pieces. I was hauled up and bent over the bed. I couldn't think, let alone move. I was helpless. 'Well then, let's begin the installation procedure'. installation procedure?....what the fuck did she mean? Then it hit me, figuratively and literally AAAAAAAGH' 'GAAAH' 'AAAAAA' I screamed. A huge, hard object had been inserted in my colon without warning. The pain was extreme. Making matters worse, it immediately started moving, thrusting in and out as I screamed, time and time again. Between jolts of pain I could feel blood from my torn insides slowly seeping out. If anything, it did seem to act as lubricant, lessening the pain to an extent. As I stopped shouting, I could hear another voice, moaning and panting, louder and louder. And finally... 'A...ah I'm co...coming...aaaaah!' What followed next was beyond reason. An unlimited number of blades materialized, one by one, inside of me, making their way out, tearing my body to shreds in the process. And as that happened, it was flashing before my eyes. Not my life, that is, but UBW. I was feeling it with every fiber of my broken body. Archer's GAR, epic fights between servants, all had become a part of me. An experience beyond life and time. I was on the verge of death, but it didn't matter. I was happy. This was more than I could have ever hoped for, from my life. The next day she headed off back home to work in a strip mine. She gave me her email address and we still keep in contact from time to time. But that was the best night of my life and I'll never forget her. The next morning is where the big shit happens, and you'll see how literal i am when i say big shit in a moment. Anyway, I got dressed and headed for work, this time at Papa Gino’s, now usually I just eat a shitload of their pizza and mountain dew, and that’s what I did today. After I was done with my shift I got back inside my car and drove back home. Remember that truck that turned into a even hotter chick? Well now we are going out and she’s living with me. So once I made it home, I went into my room only to find my GF sitting on my bed with her legs spread right open waiting to receive my package. And oh boy she did, due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you cum in my mouth." I fucking love women. So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my cock out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it. She stuck her finger up my ass. My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late. I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter. No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me. And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon. I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain. Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days. I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes. I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this. Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments. The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing. I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles. Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to where I was. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always remember this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. Months later, my girlfriend and I had saved enough money to take a trip down to down to Puerto Rico. we needed this trip to get that incident off our minds, Her uncle let us stay with him while we were there. An interesting thing to note is that he had this big Golden Retriever called Sasu. One night while coming back to her uncles house from walking I see something immediately made me bust a nut right then and there. I mean was extremely turned on. I saw Sasu eating up my girlfriend like a nigger on watermelon. She was on all floors with her skirt pulled up, and the dog was on top of her humping her butt through her panties. He kept banging against her clit and her juices were flowing to pretty much everywhere. She didn't let him inside her yet because I guess she was too afraid. I mean, think about it. That's pretty fucking gross. But eventually she gave in, and let Sasu lick it up, as she was extremely wet and was dripping everywhere. Even after she came Sasu was still licking it all up and the front of her skirt was soaked in a combination of her pussy juice and Sasu's saliva. This was the first time I seen her get fucked by an animal, fortunately for me, it happened again on Sunday. Yeah I was walking down the alley to the dumpster, like usual until I see my GF completely nude on a pile of garbade bags, Curious I get closer, and hide behind some bushes so shouldn’t see me. Anyway she took a pair of rubber kitchen gloves out of her pants pocket and put them on. There was no way She could bring myself to actually touch a maggot with her bare hands. Lying with her back against the side of the dumpster, She fingered her pussy. She was really wet already. She knew she would be. The sensation of the rubber glove against her clit felt seemed unusual to me, and I kind of liked it. She did that for a little while, just thinking about what she was about to do, while staring at the smaller garbage bag in the far corner of the trash where she had left it yesterday. While I kept thinking to myself that I can't wimp out, that i had to see this. I wished for a moment that someone else was there to force me to do it, but decided that it was somehow much more sick and depraved to do it to myself willingly. And I thought, yeah, that's me. That's what I want. I deserve this. And so I watched. She got back on my hands and knees and crawled to the other side of the dumpster. She then sat down next to her garbage bag, gently picked it up and placed it in front of her. The terrible smell was already stronger. Carefully, she tore the bag open. And there they were. There had to be thousands of maggots, kind of beige-yellow with little black spots on them, all writhing in a large mass. She couldn't even see the rotting meat underneath them. Dozens more maggots clung to the inside of the black plastic, which was coated with a thick light-brown slime. It was such a repulsive sight I thought I was going to throw up right there. But I didn't. She took a few minutes to get control of herself, fingering my clit while staring at the maggots, trying to work up the courage to continue. She then scooped up some of the slime on my gloved finger and brought it to her nose. I knew what it was from the reading I'd done before. It was digestive juices from the maggots, full of bacteria. And it smelled just horrible. She must’ve wanted that smell; she must’ve wanted that stench come from her . She wanted that, I thought, while she was spreading her legs wide apart. She dragged her slimy finger between her pussy lips. and let her fingers lightly touch the top of the maggot mass. I bet those maggots felt like nothing she had experienced before. They seemed to have such energy, totally different from picking up an earthworm or something. And they looked so alive. She appeared fascinated and nauseated at the same time. Sinking her fingers into the mass, She felt the solid meat beneath. Gently breaking it apart, She could see that the meat had turned gray except for the very center which was still pink, and that the maggots had penetrated into it but not too deeply yet. There was still plenty of food for her filthy little babies, so she broke off a small chunk of meat that was covered on one side with maggots and held it for a moment while she fought back another urge to vomit. It was finally time, I thought. she leaned forward, and holding my pussy lips apart with one hand, she gritted my teeth and pushed the maggot-covered chunk of meat into my . And then, totally without expecting it, she had what looked like an orgasm. A quick, sharp one that only made her want more. And more was coming. She broke off another small chunk of meat, along with another part of the maggot mass and pushed it inside her. This one had more maggots on it, and she stopped for a moment to see if she could feel them inside her. She wasn't sure she could, but it didn't matter. She wanted them all. She needed to take them all inside her. With that thought, She went sort of wild. She started pushing bigger chunks of meat and maggots, and even handfuls of just maggots into me, over and over. She was practically hyperventilating, too. She must’ve have not been thinking at all about the noise I must have been making. But now she could definitely feel the maggots squirming inside her . Just the idea of it made me blast a big load in my pants. I felt so filthy, so disgusting, like I'd turned myself into some low, depraved sort of beast. And that made her so incredibly hot, together with the constant movement of the maggots inside her. But it was time to go. Holding my hand over my crotch, She slowly crawled back to my clothes and managed to get dressed again without anything coming out. She put the gloves back into my pocket and climbed up out of the trash. And right then she couldn’t hold back the revulsion of what I'd just done no longer. Holding herself up against the side of a dumpster, she threw up. Feeling satisfied, I went straight back to the house and locked myself in my bedroom, took off my clothes, and got into bed. I closed my eyes and just let myself feel the maggots squirming inside her. I think I was sobbing too, but I'm not sure. All I know is that it was truly the greatest moment of my life. No….now that I think of it, it was the second greatest moment of my life, Cause I had done some pretty lulzy shit as a child, however this one thing I did, will stick with me for the rest of my life, but before I just dive in, let me start it off on the things I did early as a child. So yeah, as a young sexually confused boy often some 19-year-old guy would come over to my house. He lived across the street, though I can't remember what his (alleged) intentions were in coming over. I couldn't tell what kind of race he was - part-Mexican, part-black, some kind of brown - but I remember him being fairly tall with one of those shitty half-assed mustaches those types of guys grow. You know, the kind where it's somewhere between ratty stray hairs and a full, well-groomed mass of hair. Anyways, the only real memory I have of this guy was my grandpa walking in on him in my room with his jeans down to his ankles and the back of my head blocking the view of his genitals. All I heard was my grandpa's authoritative yet perplexed voice say, "What's going on in here?" The guy was stunned into silence, and I, for whatever reason, cheerily explained to my grandpa that he was teaching me how to zip up my jeans. And somehow he bought it. That's where I received and gave my first blowjob. I didn't see the guy at my house anymore after that. I saw him on the street a short while later, and I waved and said hello, but he didn't respond. After that, I didn't see him ever again. I found out later that he was a registered child molester. I was four. Cut to my next memory, I just have entered my aviary, within which I own two pink necklaceatiels, these birds are scared to hell of me and will go nuts when I am inside. I began scaring them, making them fly over the small aviary, eventually I picked one and made sure he never had any rest in between fear-flights. Once he was tired, I began to corner him, I grabbed ahold of him, he began biting and clawing at me, I threw him onto the ground, and kicked him. I did not expect him to be alive after this, but he was very much so - and still quite feisty, but unable to really fly now. I pulled down my pants and got on my knees, I began masturbating with my left hand, while I had the bird in my right hand. I was holding onto him by his tail feathers, keeping him upside-down, whenever he would attempt to fly away, I would whack him against the wired wall of the aviary. Eventually his tail feathers fell off, he fell to the ground - he made no attempt to escape. I latched onto him, he began biting me. Whenever he would try to chew on me, I would cease masturbating and flick him in the head and mildly tighten my grip. Two minutes pass and the bird's eyes start to close, his head is tilting whichever way gravity wishes, no longer shaking in fear at what is happening to him. Soon after, the bird is dead. While it was not my intention to kill him, I was pleased at this moment, as it gave me the opportunity to cum on his face, which I would not have attempted to do so easily while he was alive and attempting to bite anything he could. I get up, my legs and pants are covered in birdseed and feathers, I leave them off, knowing I'll need to clean up. I throw the corpse at the second bird as I leave the aviary. Now fast forward a few years, I’m at a funeral, and about 15 minutes in, after the opening hymn, people started to filter up to the microphone to express their condolences to the family. The grandfather said some words about how everything is a blessing even if it doesn't seem like it, the brother of the father reassured the family that, if they ever needed anything, that the family was there for them. Then a man walked up, about in his late 40's, and said "Although I don't really know the family, or the deceased that well, I want to say, I'm sorry for your loss. I too have lost a child." He walked from the mic, over to the families, shook their hand and walked away. He didn't know the family? So, it seemed ANYONE could say something at the funeral. I straightened my tie, put on my most sorrowful expression, and walked towards the front. I approached the man holding the microphone and, in my most solemn tone, asked if I might say a few words. The man smiled warmly and handed me the microphone, completely oblivious to what was about to happen. I turned to face the crowd, all intently looking at me with the most melancholy and tearful eyes you've ever seen. I cleared my throat and said my piece: "What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I DON'T FUCK A SANDWICH BEFORE I EAT IT!" The crowd was horrified. The sound manager tried to unplug the speakers before I could finish my joke, but to no avail; he didn't react fast enough and couldn't get himself together before the punchline rang through the cemetery. The crowd went fucking batshit. The reaction started with sheer shock and horror, and ended in a blind rage, with everyone, even some of the WWII veterans and grandmothers in the crowd, trying to tackle me to the ground. Being that I was a football running back in high school, I was much faster than everyone there. Good thing too, God knows what would have happened if they caught me. Probably have thrown me into the grave with their failure of a living baby. I had to run around for a bit, but I eventually made my way to the western exit. Yeah, that was about as lulzy it would get for me for a long time. Until one day this girl invited me over to her house early one morning. She said she need help with math, and offered to make me breakfast for all my trouble. I figured hell free food and time with a OK looking girl why the hell not. So I get up around 5am to get at her house around 6. It was kinda hard finding the place because it was sorta tucked in back of this big forest. I get to her house and ring the door bell, only half awake. She answers the door in a very small tank top and short shorts. "Oh, hay you made it, come on in." She said looking tired as well. I couldn't help but wonder why she would want me to come some early if she wasn't used to the hour ether? "Sorry about the mess and the time, this is about the only time everyone else is out of the house and I wanted to be alone with you." "Alone but why, I thought you needed help on math." I said then felt instantly stupid. She smiled sweetly and offered me a seat at the table. “I’ll be right back” she said, but after a few minutes I became worried and decided to check on her. I heard noise from the restroom earlier, so i walked to over the door. Not thinking, I just opened it only find see her naked, fingering herself on the toilet seat, while simultaneously taking a shit. We stood in silence, frozen in place, but out of nowhere, with stunning speed, she got up from the seat, without even wiping her ass, and turned around, kneeling on the cold tiles. She leant her arms on the toilet seat, her head above the bowl, her hair almost hanging into the toilet. She raised her ass to me, and the sight i saw was just unbelievable. The most beautifully shaped and sized ass right in front of me, her ass crack smeared in shit, her asshole literally puckering in participation. The smell was mind boggling. Driving by animalistic desire, I did as she implied, and gripped her hips with my hands, and leant forward to bury my cock in her ass. Of course, I missed slightly. Moved back a bit and tried again, using one hand to guide my cock. I was new at this! I felt my cock rub against her wet asshole. It felt amazing and warm. I pushed a little, and she let out a long moan. She pushed back against me and I felt her ass open up for me as the head of my cock sank into her. I pushed harder and she went "Oof!" as my cock slowly slid deeper. She groaned and mewed and purred and started to push back hard on my cock. "Oh my god that feels so good." I said to her. Whether or not anyone could hear us, or smell us was no longer of concern. Her response was a grunt, as I finally sheathed my whole length into her shitter. But then I felt something warm against my balls, as well as something splashing against my feet. I pulled myself out a bit and looked down. She was pissing. She was pissing on me as I fucked her ass. It was even more of a turn on. "That's so fucking hot." I said, trying to sound sexy, but I probably sounded retarded. "Mmmhmm was her only response as she pushed back against my cock again. We began to build a but of a rhythm, my cock sliding smoothly in and out as her warm piss ran down out legs. I thought I was going to come again. But then she stopped moving. I looked as her face, which was downturned looking into the bowl. She was panting, and then I saw her cringe in effort. What I felt against my cock alerted me to what she was doing. She was shitting against my cock. It felt warm and smooth, and I could feel her muscles pushing against me, as if they were trying to push me out. So I thrust in deeper, the head of my cock pushing into her warm shit. She gasped and groaned loudly. I let her push me out a bit, and then rammed myself back in, and started doing that over and over. Each time the shit slowly pushed around my cock. Going at a slow steady rhythm, she grunted with each thrust. I looked down as her shit started to push out of her ass and around my cock. It was all too much for me, and I knew I was about to come. So to make the most of the situation, I started to thrust as hard and as fast as I could. Her moans got increasingly louder. She seemed to be loving it. Or I was killing her. It could have been either. Piss and shit was dripping on my feet and mess was going everywhere, and I threw my head back and came in her ass. Shooting warm globules of seed directly into her fecal matter, It was at this moment that I realized why she didn’t use toilet paper, why she was hairy and why she was sleeping during the latter seasons. She was a fucking bear. I never saw her again. I have been scarred for life. Weeks after that incident, I couldn’t bare to look at ass cheeks anymore, especially ass cheeks with hair, as it reminded of the hairy bear that I had fucked. But then an idea soon popped in my head, Why won’t I just remove the ass hair from my cracks? It’ll save from me those tormenting reminders of that bear and my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks. Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony, and now I know why. If I’m going out, I’m going to go out with a fucking bang, So i got into my car, and drove a for a few miles, until I see this birthday party at this house. There’s a big banner across the house saying “HAYPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA”, I know the bitches name. Anyway there are tons of little brats running all across the house, and that shit got me fucking hard as rock. Consequently I took off my clothes, put on my Viking helmet, and held my battle ax mightily across my head. As I got out my car, I saw a girl lean down to blow the candles, it was for her, the birthday party was for her, Ready as shit, I ran into the birthday party, The sight of my hairy genitalia swinging back and forth struck fear into the children. "FOR THOR!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed to the heavens as I charged for the table. I threw my battle ax, chopping a loli in half. Her torso frailed into the air as my battle ax wedged into a wooden bookshelf. I jumped onto one of the plastic chairs, it broke under my weight. I plunged my fist into the cake and smeared it all over my cock. The soft frosting and crumbly texture made me hard. I took a candle and rammed it down my urethra. The kids were frozen with shock. I lit the candle and pushed as hard as I could. The candle rocketed out of my cock and hit a girl in the eye. The force caused me to shit. The girl screamed wildly as her eye was burned out. Her eye socket looked like the perfect hole for my dick. I jammed my cock into her eyesocket and fucked it. She cried as her head jolted back and forth. The violent jolting snapped her neck killing her instantly. I came. The Kyle boy started to get up to run away so I grabbed a chair and cracked him in the skull. His face landed flat in my shit and he suffocated. "THE CAKE IS A LIE!" I said flapping my cock about, shaking cum in several directions. A fat little girl was waddling over to the phone to call the police. "ITS PINATA TIME!" I yelled. I grabbed the cake knife, and with my viking prowess, backstabbed the fatty. I slid the knife upwards making a slit in her back. Her fat made it like cutting through cream cheese. I reached in and grasped her spine. With all my strength I tore out her spinal cord. I wanked some little nerdy girl over the head with it. I then set it on the floor and slowly inserted it into my rectum. The ribbed feeling gave me immense pleasure. "MAY THE THUNDER GODS BLESS ME!" I exclaimed grabbing my battle ax out of the woodwork. I cut little Suzie's legs off. This made her more fuckable. The birthday girl vomited and passed out. I scraped up her vomit and stripped little Suzy. She was too preoccupied to resist. I smeared the barf all over her . I then licked it off. The taste was god-awful. It made me throw up onto her face. She choked to death on my sick. The commotion made her mother come out. "SWEET TOASTER FUCKING JESUS!" she screamed. I ran up and FALCOOOOOOOOON PAUUUUUUNCHED her in the . My arm slid all the way up to her womb. I tore the fetus out. As I pulled out a bunch of slimy goo watered out. "Hey bitch want this fetus?" I asked. She was too busy violently throwing up to answer me. I raised my arm and crushed the baby in my hand. Her mother was heaving blood at this point. I took the crushed fetus into her kitchen and slam-dunked it into the blender. "And now its time for cooking with Micheal!" I said like a t.v. chef. Adding an eyeball, the fat loli's liver, and Kyle's scrotum into the blender, I turned it on high. I took a sip of my smoothie. It was the most delicious culinary masterpiece in the world. I took the rest and sliding the spine out from asshole, I gave myself an enema. The birthday girl began waking up from her concussion. As her eyes opened she awoke to the sight of my hairy asshole pointing in her face. She opened her mouth to scream, now was my time. I launched the smoothie out of my asshole along with watery, bloody shit. Her scream was muffled into a gargle. My sloppy enema shot down her throat. Her eyes were tearing up. The smell was so intense it gave her a bloody nose. I turned around and pointed my hard cock in her face. I positioned it towards her nose. With immense power I fucked her nose at full force! The blood was an awesome lubricant. The pleasure became more intense. I came buckets right up her nose. My cum went straight into her lungs, tarring them up. As she began gasping for air I looked around the bloody smeared, shit stained room. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX" I said smiling at her tear and enema covered face. She took one last gasp. I gazed happily upon her corpse. My only regret was that that little girl was my cousin.