I want to learn to smoke cigars with my ass instead of my mouth. Blowing smoke rings from my anus, more nicotine absorbed by my rectum and colon than my lungs, and an awesome party trick. I want to feed my own bloody, black, mucus-laden diarrhea to parrakeets. I want to sacrifice kittens named Mariana and Andria to an illegal cockfight and the roosters to an anaconda. I want to jump Rev Junco's mom's Dodge Diplomat over the Grand Canyon after drinking a case of beer. I want to make and try jenkem too. All this would impress my heartsweet Mariko aka "DIAF".