A piece of my story

Discussion in 'Your Shitty Projects' started by madh8r, Mar 9, 2012.

  1. madh8r

    madh8r
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    It's called City of Splendor, and it follows several middle school kids who find themselves in possesion of various mysterious items. Here's a piece, it's the introduction of the main charecter. I'm hoping to enter it some contests. If something is bold it means I want to change it


    At 7:32 A.M. December 18, 2011 in City of Splendor CA, a thirteen year old boy named Gavin Jones noticed the charger and ear buds for his mp3 player was missing. Enraged, he wandered through his two-story suburban townhouse, kicking open his doors and yelling for an explanation from the empty house.
    Gavin marched confidently into his older brother’s room and rummaged through his drawers until he found a pair of ear phones. They were battered, but they would have to do. He returned to his room and tossed the earphones on his bed, packed his back pack, and changed into a shirt with the logo of his brother’s band plastered on the front. Satisfied, he grabbed his mp3 player and headphones, and then stopped.
    There was no jack for the headphones. There was no plug for his charger either, or a power switch, just a smoothness all around the border. A joke, thought Gavin. My brother took my mp3 player, and left this small chunk of plastic as a joke. When he turned the piece of plastic over he noticed his name was scrawled on the back, just as it had been on his mp3 player. An elaborate joke, the type he was used to. He tossed it back on his bed in disappointment.
    At 7:43 A.M. December 18, 2011 in City of Splendor CA, in a two story townhouse in a quite neighborhood, Gavin Jones’s mp3 player turned itself on. The light caught Gavin’s eye, and he watched the screen, transfixed. An unfamiliar logo appeared on screen, a woman with a dazzling smile. She slowly turned her head to look directly and Gavin, and giggled slightly when their eyes met.
    “Hello, and welcome to Bibliotheca. I’m Salus. Audio input or manual input?” she asked him, with a voice like laughing flowers. Gavin picked up his mp3 player, and the logos eyes seemed to follow him.
    “Did you just say something?” Gavin asked, and then felt an immediate wave of stupidity. There was no speaker; of course the machine had not said anything. The last thing he expected was an answer.
    “Audio input confirmed,” the woman said sweetly, her voice coming through clean and sharp in Gavin’s ears. “Would you like to hear your usual morning playlist, or would you like to explore the Bibliotheca music library?”
    “What?” Gavin said, breathing steadily.
    “Would you like to hear your usual morning playlist, or would you like to explore the Bibliotheca music library?” the logo repeated, annunciating more clearly this time.
    Between 7:45 A.M. and 7:49 A.M. Gavin Jones sat on his bed and searched for a speaker of some kind on his mp3 player. He found none, nor did he find any buttons of any kinds, or any ports. All he found was his own named scrawled on the back in permanent marker. Finally he turned his music player around to view the logo. She was still smiling serenely, looking into his eyes. He moved it around in his hand, and the logo’s eyes followed his movements. He sighed deeply, and then decided to abandon all reason.
    “Are you there?” Gavin asked with reluctance.
    “System is active,” the logo replied cheerfully, the voice coming from nowhere but clear as day. Gavin listened carefully, but could detect no source of sound.
    “What is this?” he demanded.
    “Would you like to access help file Introduction to Bibliotheca?” The logo asked him, with a pitying tone in her voice.
    “Yeah, yeah do that,” he said, still listening for the source of the sound.
    The image on the screen changed, the smiling woman replaced by a middle aged mans grinning face.
    “Welcome to Bibliotheca!” he proclaimed in a booming voice. “Bibliotheca is the largest collection of art in the world. Within the Bibliotheca you will find the greatest paintings, movies, manuscripts, and music ever created. From Hemmingway to Mozart, from Warhol to Hendrix, you will be able to view murals that were destroyed thousands of years ago, or read the greatest symphonies ever composed yet never played. We have ancient religious chantings by a Ukrainian cave cult, the last song Kurt Cobain heard before he died, Da Vinci’s suicide note, and operas composed only inside the mind of an autistic child the world will never hear.”
    “The best way to learn to use Bibliotheca is by using it. Explore it, what it has to offer, and take its suggestions; the Bibliotheca might know you better than you know yourself. Art can change how you see the world, and how you see yourself, and that means it can change you. The greatest artists in the world portray the deepest emotions in the strongest ways. With the access you have to the greatest books ever written or songs ever composed, you may find yourself rapidly open to new emotions and viewpoints. Try not to be overwhelmed; art is about surfing the waves of emotion, not drowning in them, and you have very high waves to ride. This art can change you, and you can change the world.”
    The man leaned in conspiritorally. “This is a gift, Gavin,” he said, with compassion and sternness. Gavin swallowed but did not take his eyes off the man on the screen. “Please respect it as such.”
    The man disappeared and the familiar logo of the woman appeared. She had a sheepish grin plastered on her face, and was looking into Gavin’s eyes.
    “Hello, and welcome to Bibliotheca! My name is Salus, in case you forgot. It means ‘helper’ in Latin, and I’m here to help. What can I do for you?” She asked, gazing at Gavin with a cautious expression that he returned tenfold. He thought for a moment.
    “I can talk to you?” he asked.
    “Affirmative,” answered Salus, relieved to have a question she could answer. “Audio mode active.”
    “And only I can hear you?”
    “Affirmative.”
    “Am I insane?” Gavin asked.
    “No. Calm down, Gavin,” said Salus.
    “Ok,” said Gavin. “I need to go to school I can’t be talking to my-” he broke off
    “Bibliotheca,” supplied Salus.
    “Bibliotheca, yeah. I can’t be talking to you and listening to music without headphones. People will think I’m crazy.,” said Gavin, and then his voice cracked. “I think I’m crazy.”
    “Would you like to enable privacy mode?” asked Salus.
    “Will that let me plug in my headphones? And use Bibliotheca without talking to you?”
    “Yeah.” said Salus coolly.
    “Did you just say ‘yeah’ right now?” asked Gavin
    “Yeah. My syntax updates automatically. Would you like to enable privacy mode?” she asked.
    “Yeah, uh yes, enable privacy mode,” Gavin said. The familiar buttons and ports sprung up from the sides of his phone, along with the original logo, and he grabbed his brother’s headphones and plugged them into the Bibliotheca. “You there?” he asked.
    “Yes,” said Salus, and her voice came through crisp and clear. “Audio/Manuel input enabled in privacy mode. Would you like to listen to your usual morning playlist, or would you like to explore Bibliotheca?”
    “Explore Bibliotheca,” Gavin said quickly as he walked out of his house. Salus grinned at him, and he grinned back.
    “Good choice,” she said.
     
  2. oddguy

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    tl;dr
     
  3. Rape Train

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    Whenever someone starts writing about middle school children, I can't help but think some should alert the proper authorities. I'm calling Chris Hansen.
     
  4. madh8r

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    Fuck yeah almost serious commentary. I also don't like it, I NEVER have young charecters, but it's really nesscessary for the plot
     
  5. Rape Train

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    Oh God, is this going to turn into some puberty themed techno Catcher in the Rye rip off?
     
  6. madh8r

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    Lol, it's just kids with magic items. I will post more once I've submitted it and gotten a response, so stay poised on the edge of your seat
     
  7. Kaiser

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    This needs some work, but the concept is sound. I started to rewrite some, PM me for some tips. You have to appeal to your audience, that is the key:

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    At 7:32 A.M. December 18, 2011 in City of Splendor Sphincter CA, a thirteen year old boy named Gavin Jones Gaylord Jiggernuts noticed the ear buds for his mp3 TF2 player was missing. Enraged, he wandered through his two-story suburban townhouse Mom's Basement, kicking open his doors and yelling for an explanation from the empty house server.

    Gavin marched confidently into his older brother’s room and rummaged through his drawers until he found a pair of ear phones underwear. They were battered shit stained, but they would have to do. He returned to his room and tossed the earphones pillow on his bed, packed his back pack shit, and changed into a shirt with the logo stain of his brother’s band cum plastered on the front. Satisfied, he grabbed his mp3 dick and headphones asshole, and then stopped faped.

    There was no jack lube for the headphones asshole. There was no plug for his charger ass either, or a power switch dildo, just a smoothness all around the border cock head. A joke, thought Gavin Gaylord. My brother took my mp3 player sweet virginity, and left this small chunk of plastic shit as a joke. When he turned the piece of plastic shit over he noticed his name was scrawled on the back, just as it had been on his mp3 player.

    An elaborate joke, the type he was used to. He tossed it back on his bed his own salad in disappointment.

    At 7:43 A.M. December 18, 2011 in City of Splendor Sphincter CA, in a two story townhouse in a quite gay neighborhood, Gavin Jones’s Gaylord Jiggernuts mp3 player dildo turned itself on. The light caught Gavin’s eye, and he watched the screen, transfixed. An unfamiliar logo appeared on screen, a woman trap with a dazzling smile. S[H]e slowly turned her his head to look directly and Gavin Gaylord, and giggled slightly when their eyes met.

    “Hello, and welcome to Bibliotheca Dildotheca. I’m Salus. Audio Ass input or manual Mouth input?” she asked him, with a voice like laughing flowers. Gavin picked up his mp3 player, and the logos eyes seemed to follow him.
     
  8. madh8r

    madh8r
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    you put a lot of work into that...
     
  9. Kaiser

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    lol. I wanted to do the whole thing but got bored, the tedious part was crossing shit out. I started rewriting it, but decided it looked moar luzy to use strike through.
     
  10. Kaiser

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    I'm actually working on a Novel myself, Called "The World" and it goes through my life while commenting on the outside world Catcher in the Rye 2: Electric bugaloo or JoJo's Bizarre Adventure.
     
  11. scumhook

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    Quality job on your post.

    I have followed your lead, and wittily made you appear to be a cock-hungry homosexual.
     
  12. Kaiser

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    lulz.
     
  13. madh8r

    madh8r
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    quality thread
     
  14. SuperSpecialSuperStar

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    put more gangstasss in it and have vroomie jay show up and kill all the crackas at the end
     
  15. madh8r

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    Fag tag makes your name line up properly. And there is a gangster, I will post more of the story once I finish and submit it.
     
  16. madh8r

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    Bump i need commentary on this paragraph I'm really stoned. Does this even make half of a sense?


    At 9:20 A.M in Satie Middle School in City of Splendor CA, a twelve year old girl name Maria Vasquez contemplated the meaning of life as she walked into her social studies class. She wondered if free will was controlled by physical law, and if society was truly the crowning achievement of mankind. Human nature, she reasoned, is governed by fundamental physical laws, and society exists to mutilate and punish human nature. Is society then an abombination to humanity, or is it the natural progression of life and survival? Is it human nature that is the fool who engineered his greatest enemy, or is it society that does the bidding of instinct while it rails against barbarism?
     
  17. oddguy

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    Honestly? it's vary good.
     
  18. madh8r

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    :bj:
     
  19. uberfukken

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    [​IMG]

    Click here to start over



    CHAPTER 3-A


    "Listen," Officer Minty directs the detectives.

    Maggot responds, "Yes, it sounds like two people having sex, what's your point."

    Minty had already turned around and slowly started approaching room 204. Trooper and Maggot look on with befuddlement.

    "I'm going in."

    "What? Get back here, we're in the middle of a case."

    Minty laughs out loud, "faggots."

    She next reaches for the doorknob and slowly turns. It's unlocked. Minty carefully opens the door as to not create any disturbance, and creeps inside, closing the door behind her. Maggot and Trooper shrug to each other and go back to work.

    Minty scans the apartment, the sounds of people moaning very close. The lights are dim, but not completely off. She notices on a table numerous sex toys. Vibrators, anal beads, lubes, cock rings, cuffs. More scanning reveals dildos of all shapes and sizes. A dildo shaped like Jesus. Minty takes extra time observing that one.

    Turning the corner, the smell hits her. It's awful. Cigar, sweat, mold, feces, all wrapped into one. Then she sees it. The sight. The most horrific vision she could imagine. A ghostly pale bearded man thrusting his junk into what is clearly an underage twink.

    "How do you like this cigarsex, bitch," the bearded man laughs to himself while thrusting.

    The twink screams, "ADMIN ABOOS!"

    Minty coughs up a chunk of vomit, and forcibly swallow it back down.

    "I'm out."

    No way is she having part of this, and the idea of radioing in the pedophilia is running through her mind as she makes her escape.

    "Oh no you don't," the bearded man laughs as a sudden crack and flash emit from his hands. The bullet connects with Minty in the shoulder, dropping her to the floor. She attempts to reach for her gun, but the bearded man is already on top of her, foot directly on the uninjured shoulder preventing Minty from moving her arm. Beads of rotten sweat drop onto her helpless body.

    ---

    Maggot kicks down door 205.

    "Police with warrant! Odd Guyberg you are under arrest!"

    CRACK. The sound of gunfire rings throughout. Both Trooper and Maggot ready their guns frantically looking for the source.

    "Next door! Minty!"

    Odd Guyberg used the moment of confusion to escape out the window. Trooper charges for him, but he has already escaped and took a second floor fall onto the concrete. Trooper watches helplessly as Odd gets on his feet and runs off.

    "He's loose!" Trooper shouts to Maggot. Both run out of the room. Maggot stops in front of the neighboring door where the gunshot was heard.

    "What the fuck happened in here?" Maggot says loudly as he opens the door.

    What he witnesses next makes him forget about his case. Officer Minty lyes wounded on the ground with a pale naked man standing over her with a gun. Maggot wastes no time to fire a shot at the man, hitting him directly in the stomach.

    "Officer down!" Maggot screams to Trooper, but it's too late. The bullet to the gut wasn't enough, as the bearded man still has enough energy to fire back a shot of his own. It hits Maggot directly in the neck, splicing his windpipe and dropping him to the floor.

    Trooper can't believe what has just happened. With haste, he fires four rounds into the bearded man, direct shots. Two to the heart, two to the head. While doing this the bearded man was able to get one last shot in and capped Minty right in the head.

    Beardman dead, Maggot dead, Minty dead, and the only lead to find Sherlock Uber has ran off. All hope is lost.

    Trooper kills himself, self inflicted headshot.

    The naked twink wildly runs out of the room, wearing nothing but a fagtag around his neck.


    The End.
     
  20. scumhook

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