A GLORIOUS VICTORY.

Discussion in 'Hard Gay Shitpost Metropolis' started by Flu, Nov 21, 2012.

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  1. Flu

    Flu
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    Hello friends and faggots,

    Many of you know me as a story teller, which is a polite way of saying 'liar.' But the yarn I spin this moment is in fact 100% true. I feel the need to share it because it borders on the fantastic and the terrible.

    It was... a most glorious victory!

    For those who remember, when I lived in the big city (by Canadian standards, anyway) I was employed as a grocery store junior manager. and I stole A LOT of money to fuel my gram a day drug habit. I've not worked there for the last half a year, so naturally I assumed my ill money making days were over and done with.
    But long story short, they are not!

    I've been so broke. So broke and sober, down and out, that I've taken to using my own terrible blend of secret magics to influence the world. Say what you will, think what you might - the shit works. It's no Wicca fag magick. It's the real deal.

    I prayed for money to a devil mask I once used to curse an old enemy, which led to his ruination in exactly the way I requested. So again, I prayed for a vulgar thing - MONEY. Lots of it.

    FLASHBACK OVER HALF A YEAR AGO.

    I tried to sue my company for reasons I won't go into. The old manager laughed in my face and told me I wouldn't get a dime. But today, I am the one who is laughing. Two days after my ritual was complete, I came home [today] to find a giant letter in the mail marked CONFIDENTIAL.

    I opened it up to reveal a litany of legal mumbo jumbo. In short, the company is paying me five thousand dollars (you read that right, ass-faggot) to a) keep my mouth shut over some things I saw / was asked to do for the store, and the best part, b) that I basically never work for them ever again.

    So, in one month and some days, after I submit the papers and agree to their terms, I will be five thousand dollars more rich. And I am dead serious.

    All this right after I got hired by a head shop to sell bongs and dildos.

    In an instant, all my money worries have been cured. I credit my amazing magical powers, and my shrewd, near Jewish level of manipulating the laws and egos of big wigs.

    On finding out the good news, my dad - ever tactful - suggested that in a month and one ultra pay day later, he expects to find me keeled over, dead in a gutter with a needle sticking from my vein. I can only hope so.

    TH-TH-THAT'S ALL, FUCKS.


    ps. ive already begun making plans to buy up some oddities that i've had my eyes on; namely, a double headed, pickled pig and a plasticized human brain. Also, army man Iwo Jima! There's a really young girl, also, who treats herself like my pet who is insistent on living in my new pad, once i get paid. she's cute, but it's platonic - but she actually acts like my pet. I am so close to living a hell on earth. the gravy train, baby! Soon I'll be awash in sick trophies and a criminally underage girl / pet. I have no scruples. Life is good. It's rewarding my bad behaviour.


    [​IMG]

    tl;dr? five grand for being a bad ass, baby!!

    EDIT: naturally, when i get paid, i'll find a way of taking a picture of my bank statement, i suppose, for proof. because i understand this is a tall tale to take in one's unbelieving bum.
     
  2. Moscow

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    It's not just about football

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    it's... it's beautiful! good on you Flu! enjoy your 5k of ill gotten gains. and snort a line of something for me
     
  3. Flu

    Flu
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    All I need to complete my decent into debauchery is an infinite supply of future monies, a snake skin smoking jacket (that I never take off), a pipe filled with YOU KNOW, and even more underage girls to act as pets. Also, maybe a girl closer to my own age that I can fuck. I really miss having sex... (So this is what it's like to be an average ED'F'ER. Shit's not cash. But for me it is!)
    I take pride in the notion that i have one, and maybe two or three more girls just lounging around my future house, acting like cats and dogs. Anybody who tells you that it's wrong to do drugs and hold questionable morals has clearly never had a couple girls bring you drinks while you sit, just for the off chance that you praise them like an animal. To suck my own gross cock, one chick refers to me as her "emperor." I'm in love with life right now.
    Some day, when I'm super old and gross, I'm going to make a point of walking a future generation of pet children and really see how far I can push the taboo stick down my own urethra.
     
  4. Flu

    Flu
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    dude, i talk big here, but when i got that letter in the mail and cracked the fucker open and read that I had just come into 5k... i'm not too proud to admit i ran around my dad's house, jumping and bouncing, going "OOOOHHH YEA!!! AWWW YEA!!!!" And then, of course, I gave my dad and brother the obligatory "fuck you, dad - i'm moving out ASAP. fuck you, little brother. suck it - I'M RICH. Easy money DAD. easy money. NOW WHO NEEDS A JOB?? EASY MONEY!!!"

    I'm still in disbelief that a giant company actually paid me hush money on the condition that i not ever work for them again. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
     
  5. Moscow

    Moscow
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    It's not just about football

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    that's a hell of a good trick to pull. what exactly did you to make them willing to pay you to leave them alone forever?
     
  6. Flu

    Flu
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    I basically gathered proof over a fairly long time of how corrupt their management was, how many times they out right, and illegally abused staff, how the upper brass ignored my attempts to report my bosses. I even went so far as to have fellow employees secretly record the brass shit talking workers and even going as far as plotting how best to make up false charges against people (usually key union players) to get them fired. And then they tried those dirty tricks on me too. That's the short version of events. To be honest, I never, ever, EVER expected anything EVER to come of my threats to sue. But, almost a year after the fact, and I got paid a cool five grand. And lol at the stipulation of never working for them again. HAHAHAHA, thats rich. LIKE ME NOW!!
     
  7. Flu

    Flu
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    To celebrate, I've sent a number of invites to my RL friends who've been god to me - who didn't shun me after I returned home drug addled, a heroin hobo - who helped me when I was most down, in town, pan handling and picking up empties. Also, @Dr. Rice that invite I sent you is legit. Come to Canada, man. Come visit me IRL and I promise I'll put you up in a shit motel and flood you with all the hard booze you can drink and all the heroin and coke you can handle. I'm dead serious. Don't be a faggot, Rice my man - get up here for a few days!!

    To everyone else, I've requested that my RL friends attend and drink and do drugs on me. The catch is, I want the girls to dress slutty and the guys to engage in a ritualistic fist fight for my amusement. We're going to go full Rome. I expect I'll drop about $400 on this event alone. And another $240 on 2 G's of down for myself. If this happens, it's going to be extreme. I seriously hope the girls will go topless, and I really do want to watch a ritual fight where I can give a thumbs-down to the loser.

    Expect tons of pictures.
     
  8. MedicalParrot

    MedicalParrot
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    Pffffft

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    ;_; I'm so jealous right now.

    Congratulations, Flu!
     
  9. Moscow

    Moscow
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    what will you do to said loser after you've issued the thumbs down? shove a firecracker up his arse and light it? take one of his pinky fingers as a trophy? or just gang rape him?
     
  10. hkh

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    i am just.. i am just not going to read it.
    its just too damn much...